Waqt Ki qaid main zindagi hai magar
Chand ghadiyan yehi hai jo azaad Hain
Inko kho kar meri jane jan
Umar bhar na taraste raho
Aaj jaane Ki zid na karo …
Sometimes, I forget that body is an extension of me
So much have I recoiled into myself that I wonder if the body knows that I forget its there
Forgetting something so sincere is a crime, and I know
Sometimes, I am more than my body, I am my own universe inside my teeny, tiny head
And sometimes, I am reduced to my body and that’s all there is
Its abuse, I hate it. At times I hate my body, it confines me
So sleep evades me, hunger is a long, lost dream
In search of the infinite me, I let go of the body that holds everything in
Sometimes I feel detached, a host inside
Watching the world from afar
And then, I am brought rudely back to the surface, where I feel what the body feels
Aware, its maddening to feel the world that abandoned me.
To feel the hurt, that has been growing whilst I was away in the clouds
Taking the undiluted pain, letting it wash over you
From your fingertips to your toes, like electricity
Bit by bit, life drains out of my body as each wave, takes away my will
To keep on enduring as a first person is unfathomable
Turning into myself, seeking refuge and letting the pain burry my body
Is the only funeral I can hope for.
My missing puzzle piece from my favourite game set
Got lost, while packing it away
No where did I find it when I looked
I wonder where I left it
My missing puzzle piece, that so perfectly used to fit.
I am a chapter in somebody’s life, a chapter now closed, as life moved on
I was not the end of the book, I was a few pages, name spattered here and there
Now, new pages will appear and I won’t be there
My name, left behind in the pages that will turn yellow with time
For those crinkly, old, yellow pages, I will write a eulogy
For with time, they will fade too, blow away like wind blows away the dust
The eulogy will be to remember the pages, to remember that I once belonged in somebody’s book
That I had a purpose, and I had an effect, and now I am a nameless face
Reduced to a word of the past.
Writing a eulogy is hard, and despite my words, I have none that do justice
For what is in my mind.
Seems like yesterday and yet it feels like ages ago
When things were somewhat in my favour
When it was not so bleak, there was hope to meet
Wait was fruitful, or so it seemed
Now, days go by, in hopeless agony
Nothing is ever going to be the same, a part of me is cutting away
Lost to sea, lost to life
Something, someone inside me has died
Days go by, and it feels like eternity that I hope to consume in seconds
Relieve me of the bonds that tug at my heart
Let go of all the weight that held the balance
Cut away the strings, push away the memories
Relieve me of this burden that I carry
Let me breathe for I feel there is an ocean in me
Nobody knows how to do it, what will make me look good in a frame
Nobody can take my photo, a photo I will actually like
I smile and I smile and I smile some more
And still it seems I am frowning to the deepest levels of Hell
No one knows the angles of my face but me, no one knows which ones to point at when they click
I have many photos, but none that I like, none which make me smile
For I see for what they really are, not one I would want for my obituary
A sad, lonely girl, or a woman, I do not know
All photos say the same, none can make me feel warm
Nobody knows how I look good in a frame
So I do not have good photos of me, to show you that I am pretty too.
Locked in your heart, some silly, stupid reason
You say you want to drift apart, for my mind, its something close to treason
Buried deep is the will to find me in the dark, regret switching off the light, losing the way to me
Locked inside your heart, is the will to find me
You tell me you have to go, but you can’t say goodbye
Like a meteor, your trail blazes bright
In the dark, where I am all alone, and you are too
In your own corner, locked away is the reason you have to go
But for some reason, you just can’t say goodbye
Walk away, show your back, and turn a blind eye
Darkness is deafening, as you hear me screaming, muffled sounds which don’t reach you
For locked away inside your heart, is the will to find me
You say you have to go, but you can’t say goodbye.
If ever we were apart, I would wish you well
If life took us to different paths, I would wish you well
If fate would be cruel to us, I would wish you well
I would tell you to be happy, even if it costs me my smile, I would wish you well
Intense emotions don’t suit you well, so I let you go, and wish you well too
As if the entire journey meant little, as if the weight of the moment was nothing at all
It came, it blew, it crossed over to the past
Branded as a memory, forever etched into my mind, a scar
What can I say when you ask me why I do what I do
Why do I do it? I wish I knew
I only know that I cannot stop
If only I could, but my direction is downhill
Going faster, if anything, spiralling
To death? Hah, life is not so kind
Banished to live life, a half life
Sentenced to years of pain, a little heartache
What can I say, I have no more left in me to hold
An open gate, I let every bit of me, wash away.
Shut the door, do it now, for I am afraid of what lurks outside
Or is it inside? It is a door, a door I once used to adore
It was a way to love, a way to hold you close
Now, it hurts, even to look at it, makes me squint
Dear friend, I have to say farewell, for it is not worth the pain
That I linger, here where countless memories were made
Spun into beautiful dreams, doors of opportunities
Now, behind those doors lies the pain and the sorrow
The distance that pulls me away from you
Its cruel, but maybe its fate. I don’t know but I have to go
For it’s not worth the pain, to linger on to what is lost.
A forgotten love letter
As old as time, as poor as a worthless penny
I am your forgotten love letter
With faded ink and tattered pages
I am the forgotten soul of once blooming care
The lost words from a loving heart
A ghost of your past, thrust aside for a new chapter
Called the second phase of life.
In the hopelessness of today, I bow in prayer
Seeking refuge from this dull pain in my chest
Laying my forehead on the ground, thinking of being reduced to such low levels
And yet rising up, high, in the eyes of God
I am not deeply religious, but today I seek something from Him
Respite? Some assurance that the darkness will go away?
I fold my hands, and tears appear
Are they mine?
I bowed down in front of God, please relieve me of this pain
When I rose, I was alone, as alone as a withered rose in Autumn
Light was out, and I was in the dark.
Waiting for an answer, waiting for him.
Bracing for the impact, I wait patiently
Hoping to overcome this pain in one day
Time loses its meaning, when the wait is futile
An endless ocean of tears, stains on my pillow
Only proof of my sorrow, hidden by the hair strewn across
Borrowed time, I once said, your time, you reminded me
Now, the phrase is on your lips, and I am left speechless
No amount of begging will change your mind, you crossed over, did not look behind
I am yet to move, eyes on the gates that you so lovingly shut in my face.
I am stuck in a hospital waiting room with the doctors and the nurses bustling around
With all airs, they tower over the crowd, looking all important and waving people here and there
I was supposed to get checked too, maybe had an appointment
I paid the fee, I took the appointment and I waited in one of those waiting chairs
It was a premium OPD, mind you, but I was asked to wait.
So, wait, I did.
Sleep was overpowering, the pain in my head losing control over me
I took the onslaught, as I waited in the premium OPD for a doctor that never showed
Mad, I got up and walked over to the counter
Mad, I asked for a refund and to be moved to a general OPD which was cheaper
I was heard, I was ignored, I was told to wait, I was told to be patient
I was a patient, and I was in pain, no one cared
That I was waiting for a long time for an appointment that never came
It all happened in a hospital waiting room.
I once read, “I hope life is not a joke, because I don’t get it.”
At the time, it may have eluded me as to what the writer must have meant.
But now, I think we are on the same page.
No one, literally no one will lose sleep over you
No one will skip meals for you
So you better be your own lullaby, and find solace in warm french fries
No one will tell you that they will stay by you, even if they say it, they lie.
So pat your own back, and dust off the old machines
No one will hold your hand, and even if they do, they will let go when you need it the most
Ask them why, they have better things to do.
What a stupid question from a silly, silly thought?
No one will hold you, or be there for you
Even if they do, its for their own sake, its not about you
Believe otherwise and you choose to be the fool
Because, no one has the time today, everyone has better things to do.
Remember your father today, for its their day.
Tell them you love them, for you can.
Get them a cake, a candle and hold their hand as they make a wish
Make a wish with them for you can
Cherish the days you have with them, for they are always numbered
Life is too short for drama, so seize the day
Moments like these may never come back, so hold on to them
For you can, and I cannot.
Eyes that are vacant, lying in wait for someone to return home
Home is a place where you find peace, what if that place is a person?
Losing one’s home is not easy, losing oneself even harder
Time is a cruel trick, one I have said before, I recall
It flies, it corrodes, what once was fresh, what once was pure
It wipes away memories, a clean slate.
Time is forgetful, it is vengeful, it hurts
So it is up to me to form words to say my farewell
Where do I find the words to bid adieu to one I have known
To one I hold dear, is it time already?
To let go, to set free your soul? Do your eyes, your voice ask this of me?
How can I deny what you want? It is my loss, my pain to bear
Time has not touched me like you, I do not wash away with the waves of the minutes as they go by
My time had stopped, yours flew by
Is it time already? I didn’t realise.
I am thinking of getting some of my poems published. I have been sitting on this idea for a long time, but I dont know exactly how to approach it.
If anyone can help or guide me in this matter, I would be grateful.