Month: June 2019

Abusing my body


Sometimes, I forget that body is an extension of me

So much have I recoiled into myself that I wonder if the body knows that I forget its there

Forgetting something so sincere is a crime, and I know

Sometimes, I am more than my body, I am my own universe inside my teeny, tiny head

And sometimes, I am reduced to my body and that’s all there is

Its abuse, I hate it. At times I hate my body, it confines me

So sleep evades me, hunger is a long, lost dream

In search of the infinite me, I let go of the body that holds everything in

Sometimes I feel detached, a host inside

Watching the world from afar

And then, I am brought rudely back to the surface, where I feel what the body feels

Aware, its maddening to feel the world that abandoned me.

To feel the hurt, that has been growing whilst I was away in the clouds

Taking the undiluted pain, letting it wash over you

From your fingertips to your toes, like electricity

Bit by bit, life drains out of my body as each wave, takes away my will

To keep on enduring as a first person is unfathomable

Turning into myself, seeking refuge and letting the pain burry my body

Is the only funeral I can hope for.

Writing a eulogy


I am a chapter in somebody’s life, a chapter now closed, as life moved on

I was not the end of the book, I was a few pages, name spattered here and there

Now, new pages will appear and I won’t be there

My name, left behind in the pages that will turn yellow with time

For those crinkly, old, yellow pages, I will write a eulogy

For with time, they will fade too, blow away like wind blows away the dust

The eulogy will be to remember the pages, to remember that I once belonged in somebody’s book

That I had a purpose, and I had an effect, and now I am a nameless face

Reduced to a word of the past.

Writing a eulogy is hard, and despite my words, I have none that do justice

For what is in my mind.

Days go by


Seems like yesterday and yet it feels like ages ago

When things were somewhat in my favour

When it was not so bleak, there was hope to meet

Wait was fruitful, or so it seemed

Now, days go by, in hopeless agony

Nothing is ever going to be the same, a part of me is cutting away

Lost to sea, lost to life

Something, someone inside me has died

Days go by, and it feels like eternity that I hope to consume in seconds

Relieve me


Relieve me of the bonds that tug at my heart

Let go of all the weight that held the balance

Cut away the strings, push away the memories

Relieve me of this burden that I carry

Let me breathe for I feel there is an ocean in me

Relieve me.

Nobody can take my photo


Nobody knows how to do it, what will make me look good in a frame

Nobody can take my photo, a photo I will actually like

I smile and I smile and I smile some more

And still it seems I am frowning to the deepest levels of Hell

No one knows the angles of my face but me, no one knows which ones to point at when they click

I have many photos, but none that I like, none which make me smile

For I see for what they really are, not one I would want for my obituary

A sad, lonely girl, or a woman, I do not know

All photos say the same, none can make me feel warm

Nobody knows how I look good in a frame

So I do not have good photos of me, to show you that I am pretty too.

Can’t say goodbye


Locked in your heart, some silly, stupid reason

You say you want to drift apart, for my mind, its something close to treason

Buried deep is the will to find me in the dark, regret switching off the light, losing the way to me

Locked inside your heart, is the will to find me

You tell me you have to go, but you can’t say goodbye

Like a meteor, your trail blazes bright

In the dark, where I am all alone, and you are too

In your own corner, locked away is the reason you have to go

But for some reason, you just can’t say goodbye

Walk away, show your back, and turn a blind eye

Darkness is deafening, as you hear me screaming, muffled sounds which don’t reach you

For locked away inside your heart, is the will to find me

You say you have to go, but you can’t say goodbye.

Wish you well


If ever we were apart, I would wish you well

If life took us to different paths, I would wish you well

If fate would be cruel to us, I would wish you well

I would tell you to be happy, even if it costs me my smile, I would wish you well

Intense emotions don’t suit you well, so I let you go, and wish you well too

What can I say


As if the entire journey meant little, as if the weight of the moment was nothing at all

It came, it blew, it crossed over to the past

Branded as a memory, forever etched into my mind, a scar

What can I say when you ask me why I do what I do

Why do I do it? I wish I knew

I only know that I cannot stop

If only I could, but my direction is downhill

Going faster, if anything, spiralling

To death? Hah, life is not so kind

Banished to live life, a half life

Sentenced to years of pain, a little heartache

What can I say, I have no more left in me to hold

An open gate, I let every bit of me, wash away.

Not worth the pain


Shut the door, do it now, for I am afraid of what lurks outside

Or is it inside? It is a door, a door I once used to adore

It was a way to love, a way to hold you close

Now, it hurts, even to look at it, makes me squint

Dear friend, I have to say farewell, for it is not worth the pain

That I linger, here where countless memories were made

Spun into beautiful dreams, doors of opportunities

Now, behind those doors lies the pain and the sorrow

The distance that pulls me away from you

Its cruel, but maybe its fate. I don’t know but I have to go

For it’s not worth the pain, to linger on to what is lost.

Forgotten love letter


A forgotten love letter

As old as time, as poor as a worthless penny

I am your forgotten love letter
With faded ink and tattered pages

I am the forgotten soul of once blooming care
The lost words from a loving heart

A ghost of your past, thrust aside for a new chapter
Called the second phase of life.

Bow


In the hopelessness of today, I bow in prayer

Seeking refuge from this dull pain in my chest

Laying my forehead on the ground, thinking of being reduced to such low levels

And yet rising up, high, in the eyes of God

I am not deeply religious, but today I seek something from Him

Respite? Some assurance that the darkness will go away?

I fold my hands, and tears appear

Are they mine?

I bowed down in front of God, please relieve me of this pain

When I rose, I was alone, as alone as a withered rose in Autumn

Light was out, and I was in the dark.

Waiting for an answer, waiting for him.

Gates


Bracing for the impact, I wait patiently

Hoping to overcome this pain in one day

Time loses its meaning, when the wait is futile

An endless ocean of tears, stains on my pillow

Only proof of my sorrow, hidden by the hair strewn across

Borrowed time, I once said, your time, you reminded me

Now, the phrase is on your lips, and I am left speechless

No amount of begging will change your mind, you crossed over, did not look behind

I am yet to move, eyes on the gates that you so lovingly shut in my face.

Hospital waiting room


I am stuck in a hospital waiting room with the doctors and the nurses bustling around

With all airs, they tower over the crowd, looking all important and waving people here and there

I was supposed to get checked too, maybe had an appointment

I paid the fee, I took the appointment and I waited in one of those waiting chairs

It was a premium OPD, mind you, but I was asked to wait.

So, wait, I did.

Sleep was overpowering, the pain in my head losing control over me

I took the onslaught, as I waited in the premium OPD for a doctor that never showed

Mad, I got up and walked over to the counter

Mad, I asked for a refund and to be moved to a general OPD which was cheaper

I was heard, I was ignored, I was told to wait, I was told to be patient

I was a patient, and I was in pain, no one cared

That I was waiting for a long time for an appointment that never came

It all happened in a hospital waiting room.

Better things to do


I once read, “I hope life is not a joke, because I don’t get it.”

At the time, it may have eluded me as to what the writer must have meant.

But now, I think we are on the same page.

++++++++±+++++++++

No one, literally no one will lose sleep over you

No one will skip meals for you

So you better be your own lullaby, and find solace in warm french fries

No one will tell you that they will stay by you, even if they say it, they lie.

So pat your own back, and dust off the old machines

No one will hold your hand, and even if they do, they will let go when you need it the most

Ask them why, they have better things to do.

Ofcourse.

What a stupid question from a silly, silly thought?

No one will hold you, or be there for you

Even if they do, its for their own sake, its not about you

Believe otherwise and you choose to be the fool

Because, no one has the time today, everyone has better things to do.

Father’s Day


Remember your father today, for its their day.

Tell them you love them, for you can.

Get them a cake, a candle and hold their hand as they make a wish

Make a wish with them for you can

Cherish the days you have with them, for they are always numbered

Life is too short for drama, so seize the day

Moments like these may never come back, so hold on to them

For you can, and I cannot.

Is it time already?


Eyes that are vacant, lying in wait for someone to return home

Home is a place where you find peace, what if that place is a person?

Losing one’s home is not easy, losing oneself even harder

Time is a cruel trick, one I have said before, I recall

It flies, it corrodes, what once was fresh, what once was pure

It wipes away memories, a clean slate.

Time is forgetful, it is vengeful, it hurts

So it is up to me to form words to say my farewell

Where do I find the words to bid adieu to one I have known

To one I hold dear, is it time already?

To let go, to set free your soul? Do your eyes, your voice ask this of me?

How can I deny what you want? It is my loss,  my pain to bear

Time has not touched me like you, I do not wash away with the waves of the minutes as they go by

My time had stopped, yours flew by

Is it time already? I didn’t realise.

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