Abusing my body

Sometimes, I forget that body is an extension of me

So much have I recoiled into myself that I wonder if the body knows that I forget its there

Forgetting something so sincere is a crime, and I know

Sometimes, I am more than my body, I am my own universe inside my teeny, tiny head

And sometimes, I am reduced to my body and that’s all there is

Its abuse, I hate it. At times I hate my body, it confines me

So sleep evades me, hunger is a long, lost dream

In search of the infinite me, I let go of the body that holds everything in

Sometimes I feel detached, a host inside

Watching the world from afar

And then, I am brought rudely back to the surface, where I feel what the body feels

Aware, its maddening to feel the world that abandoned me.

To feel the hurt, that has been growing whilst I was away in the clouds

Taking the undiluted pain, letting it wash over you

From your fingertips to your toes, like electricity

Bit by bit, life drains out of my body as each wave, takes away my will

To keep on enduring as a first person is unfathomable

Turning into myself, seeking refuge and letting the pain burry my body

Is the only funeral I can hope for.

Writing a eulogy

I am a chapter in somebody’s life, a chapter now closed, as life moved on

I was not the end of the book, I was a few pages, name spattered here and there

Now, new pages will appear and I won’t be there

My name, left behind in the pages that will turn yellow with time

For those crinkly, old, yellow pages, I will write a eulogy

For with time, they will fade too, blow away like wind blows away the dust

The eulogy will be to remember the pages, to remember that I once belonged in somebody’s book

That I had a purpose, and I had an effect, and now I am a nameless face

Reduced to a word of the past.

Writing a eulogy is hard, and despite my words, I have none that do justice

For what is in my mind.

Days go by

Seems like yesterday and yet it feels like ages ago

When things were somewhat in my favour

When it was not so bleak, there was hope to meet

Wait was fruitful, or so it seemed

Now, days go by, in hopeless agony

Nothing is ever going to be the same, a part of me is cutting away

Lost to sea, lost to life

Something, someone inside me has died

Days go by, and it feels like eternity that I hope to consume in seconds

Relieve me

Relieve me of the bonds that tug at my heart

Let go of all the weight that held the balance

Cut away the strings, push away the memories

Relieve me of this burden that I carry

Let me breathe for I feel there is an ocean in me

Relieve me.

Nobody can take my photo

Nobody knows how to do it, what will make me look good in a frame

Nobody can take my photo, a photo I will actually like

I smile and I smile and I smile some more

And still it seems I am frowning to the deepest levels of Hell

No one knows the angles of my face but me, no one knows which ones to point at when they click

I have many photos, but none that I like, none which make me smile

For I see for what they really are, not one I would want for my obituary

A sad, lonely girl, or a woman, I do not know

All photos say the same, none can make me feel warm

Nobody knows how I look good in a frame

So I do not have good photos of me, to show you that I am pretty too.