Solitude is Bliss


Sitting outside my tuition waiting for the teacher to arrive, I am thinking about certain things. And believe me, we should have these moments of solitude with oneself. It helps clear our mind. It gives the strength to pull another day without breaking down. But at times, solitude turns to loneliness. We don’t notice the change but it is the cause of depression, of sinking into complete darkness. Loneliness sucks on our soul while solitude moulds it.
We can never feel good when we are lonely and it is only in those times that we are the most vulnerable.
Right now I am sitting on the wall and writing but sir has arrived so I got to go.
Now at home, I am feeling the perfect bliss as I relax after studying organic chemistry and raking my brain with rules and names. Sigh!
Coming back to my discussion, I have tried both loneliness and solitude. The difference is that in loneliness, your eyes threaten to let the traitor tears come out while in solitude you are happy and a smile decorates your face. Do try it out sometimes. Its good.
Have a nice day ahead πŸ™‚

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SHE’s BACK !!!!!


Sanna Nazir Wani, my best friend, my soulmate, my buddy is back from delhi !!!! Ofcourse it’s only a visit for a few days but she’s home! I just met her and I seriously cannot believe that I saw her a few minutes before…sigh!
I really missed her these 5 months. I have never been this lonely as Sanna was always there. Now at least I got to see her. Lucky me !!!

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Childhood Fears Never Subside


No matter how hard you try to be bold, be strong but if you fear something, you always are afraid of it. No matter how much you convince yourself, it is always there lurking behind your mind, ready to pounce on you at the first opportunity. It is really out of ones control to stop fearing something, particularly childhood fears. They never go away.
In my case, I am afraid even terrified of cats. They scare the wits out of me. I am terribly afraid of them. I have had many encounters in my childhood which have lead me to develop a phobia for cats. Many people find them adorable but I find them menacing and cruel. Cats are cruel when they want to be.
My fear of cats is genuine but people around me mock me (not that I care really) and make fun of me. But it doesn’t bother me as I know how I feel and that I am not doing it for attention. I am afraid and that is it!
Why are people not ready to face the truth when it is in their faces. Instead they feel more comfortable with the lie, easier for them to believe. Easier for them to stomach it. *snort*.
The fear actually stops my heart for a moment, then I catch my breath for another moment. It takes a while to gather my senses and then I scream, scream for all I am worth. 😦
Nobody takes me seriously. They think I am acting childish. Sigh, if only they knew. It has nothing to do with the cats, its those incidents which burn a hole in my memory and it is so painful. I am afraid of anything and everything that can think for itself, cats in particular!

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Troubled


There is this one poem I wrote a few days back but surprisingly, I am not getting the end. I wrote so many but none of them seems right. I am troubled. First time ever, my poem is waiting for an end. I dont know what to do !!!!! 😦  

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Totally Awesome


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This is CHINESE CHECKER … My childhood friend. I know its freaky but he was there during my 8th standard board exams. Sanna, do you remember him ? We used to draw him everywhere : on our notes, books, copies etc etc. He is my favourite … So many memories!!!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ :). πŸ™‚

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The reason for writing “I will Burn the Ground you Walk on!”


This poem reflects violence and vengeance. Its my way of plotting an imaginary revenge to all those who hurt me in the past, who are hurting me now and who will hurt me in future. I wrote this poem to lower my anger level. Last week I was so angry at certain people for the trouble they gave me and I wanted to spit it out. So I started writing and the result is in front of you. I am not a violent person. The only violence I have shown is killing mosquitoes by spraying HIT on them while smiling in vengeance.
This poem is what I would like to do to those horribly mean people who dont care about others. I would love to chain them up and tell them where they were wrong, what they do hurts people and I would love to make them realize how mean and horrible they are.
Sadly, we cannot do that either and so I imagine my revenge through these poems. I love words! They give an identity to ideas no matter how foul or how beautiful they are.
They put to life all that is in us, giving voice to our inner thoughts. They speak while they are written. The written word is the most powerful thing and I am gald that I write, whether boring or not. But I write and it makes me feel better.

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Why I wrote on a Beggar …


Ok. Here goes. There were many reasons why I chose beggar as one of my many topics. First was that hardly anyone chooses such a topic for poetry and I don’t blame them. I decided to write on it for its uniqueness. Second was that while shopping with my mother once, I saw a beggar sitting on the amirakadal bridge exactly as I have described him. He was scratching his head, he had holes in his shoes ( I wrote in my poem that he had three but I didnt exactly count them. πŸ˜‰ Imagine his surprise!). Also, the other part of the lady in red and the old man with the smile, they are a product of my imagination. I imagined them and wrote it all. Well thats all I suppose. There was nothing spectacular idea about it. But if you read it and compare, we are somewhat beggars too but we are begging something else entirely than that poor beggar I saw on that bridge.Β Β  :).Β Β  I am sure my reasons are not what you expected but this is it. Really.

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Multi Faced.


I have no idea how people manage to have so many personalities and change them according to their preferences or interests. Pure selfish and evil I would call such people. Impersonating someone they are not just for the sake of their profit is such a degrading act. Yet it does not bother them. How many times have I been led into their traps, I have lost count. Sigh!
This world is filled with multi-faced people. They are perfect in changing their faces that we dont realize whether they are good or not. Such pokerface that one is stunned and amazed at their confidence at lying for their benifit. Pretending to be your friend just because they want something from you and when they succeed, they automatically turn away. Its a kashmiri proverb “tche ne kanh te be ne kanh.”.
Such people have reduced friendship and relationships to dust. These words no longer move us the way they used to only because of their treachery.
They torture other people. Its a warning to stay away from these people as they are liars, thieves ( in many cases, you might be surprised), distrustful, misleading, dishonest, disloyal, evil, grudge holders, avengers etc etc etc. The list is endless. You might be surprised to see someone who used to stick to you like anything, suddenly turns his back on you. Its common these days. Life has degraded to dust and ash. There is no concept of honesty, people feel free to lie whenever they want, wherever they want and to whomever they want. They are so much perfect at deceiving people that even the lie detectors wont work on them. They lie to their parents without the slightest bit of guilt. I am sure something called conscience would stir in them at these moments but they would suppress it and laugh it off. Sigh!
Basically, they are afraid. Afraid to face their conscience. They easily succumb to the temptations available in this world.
Such is the state of today’s youth. No morality, no manners, no courtesy, nothing. Terrible, just terrible!

But where there is evil, good will always rise up against it. We all cannot be heroes but there is always a little courage, a little daring self who can move mountains, split oceans ( metaphorically ofcourse πŸ˜‰ ).
All we have to do is let our inner selves out. Hear what it says and follow the voice. It will always lead you where you want to be. Carefree. Unburdened. Bold. No fear. Nothing! Just peace … And here I say “INnEr PeaCe”!
Until we reach that stage, we have to fight, fight with our evil side, fight and rebel against the temptations that lure us along the wrong path! Its difficult yet fruitful!

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Light Bulb!


I have an idea! I am thinking that along with my poems, I would state the reason and the situation that led me to pen.it down. Hmmm. It is going to be difficult but if you guys want an explanation regarding any one of the poems, let me know and I would love to post it. I want to convey exactly why I wrote what I wrote. Any poem you want an explanation for ?

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Why Are Things Never Clear ?


This is one thing that I have noticed. Things are never clear! There is so much uncertainty about situations, people, thoughts and thinking that one gets confused. There is always another option which one can choose followed by the probability of being the better one. Then comes the reasoning which consumes our poor mind into a dilema. I mean why cant situations be more clear. Why cant people be more predictable! Life is full of surprises but the magnitude of horrible surprises is more than better ones. So in my opinion, we are better off without surprises which deliver shocks more than happiness. Lets take an example.
A particular person wants something and is expecting it from you. But you dont have any idea about it. You are not a mind reader. That person may drop a hint here and there but on the whole you dont get it. Finally, that person gives up and starts moping. Is that your fault ? No, it is not! That person should’ve come directly to you and told you what he or she expects from you. I am sure you would’ve done it without hesitation. But how is it fair that you are expected to do something which you have no clue about!
Another example is a mother. Mom wants us to keep our room spik and span! Fine agreed that she likes cleanliness. She should tell us beforehand to clean up our room instead of a surprise check. After that check, she burts her anger out on us, calling us careless, immature etc etc. Is it again our fault ? No, it is not!

Leaving aside people ( it is a very huge and massive sphere), lets come to situations. These annoy me the most! While I can handle the unpredictability of people, I cannot bear the unpredictable situations. Suppose you took an initiative for something good, better even, you tried to help someone. Now the irony of the situation is that it backfires, drags us to hell and brings us back after being grilled in hell. We call that “journey to hell and back”. The anxiety, the tension, hope that nothing goes wrong and all that is something to be compared to a virtual hell. Its totally awful, those feelings! I am sure most of us have felt these feelings where we are uncertain of the turn our fate is going to take. Yikes!
Nothing is ever clear. You get sick. Why ? You have any idea ? After rewinding back in time while sitting in the doctor’s clinic, you realize that one day after school you had had something off the road side cart. Now at that time, did you imagine that it is going to land you in hospital? No! If you would’ve known, you would never have touched that food. This is my point! If we knew something, anything related to us in life, we would strive to keep it simple instead of using our stupid brains and getting entangled in silly problems and issues which take most of our time.
Dont you agree ?

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Its Way Too Early


This is unfair!
Waking up even before anyone flicked his eyes or turned his side, then running and getting ready, hitting the road to tuition in frenzy but all to no avail. Tuition was off today.Β  ;(
They should let us know before hand that its going to be off. I mean the winter is on its way people and the mornings are getting colder and colder. Its difficult to leave home yet we do it for tuitions. We waited there for a long time and finally returned home. Sigh!
This is not done, not done at all. Its unfair and a crime to make us suffer as such. I agree its not a federal crime but judging my mood, I am very, very upset! Now I am going to try and sleep off my anger. Have a nice day people despite the shitty people roaming around you like locusts.Β  ;(

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Problems: A Black Hole


A problem!
Once a series of events start rolling, the ball doesn’t stop. It needs initiative and then it goes on rolling and winding us round and round. The world is full of these deadly, hateful problems. One is solved while the other,Β  lurking in the shadows, jumps out and snares us around its deadly tentacles. We should be afraid of these problems and strive our level best to keep them as untangled as possible.

If by any chance the problem catches up with you, it will never let go! It will become your shadow. It will reside in you and grow like a virus, infecting your heart. It will force you to live in fear. So one mustn’t allow problems to grow. If you know something is wrong, then rectify it before it is too late.
Be prepared and see to it that when the problems and issues ambush you, you are well prepared and ready to tackle them. Never let the problems drown your determination and strength. Most importantly, one should never let one’s heart to grow weak. That is the key for the success of invasion by the problems. They can make you insane, even force you to take your own life! In order to stay strong, one should be honest with oneself. If a person lies to oneself, BAM!!! There is the first sign of weakness. It should never happen. Be pure at heart. That is all that matters! And trust people who are trustworthy and reliable. They will always help you and never abandon you or give you away. One needs such people who can keep secrets as it always helps in tackling ones problems. Most important thing is that a person should not ever feel alone. Problems feed on loneliness. One should have a friend whom one can always count on. If a person has more than one trustworthy friend, then that person is quite lucky in my opinion.
The world has infinite problems. We cannot solve them all but we can make sure they don’t feed on us. Always stay strong. Believe in yourself. And live for yourself!

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I am Disgusted!


My heart is heavy and sad today. I am thoroughly disappointed. There are no words to describe what I feel right now. The world is a freaky place where freaks reside. There are people whom you don’t know, to whom you never did any harm but still are set to ruin your life. These people demand things from you and when you cannot give it to them, they decide to make your life hell through rumors and lies. I don’t know what they achieve by their disgusting actions. I am totally repulsed by what happened. I would not go into details but the world is already a mess and these people are conspiring to make it messier. If they are so free in their own lives, they must do something productive instead of prodding and poking their ugly noses into other people’s business.
I am filled with anger up to the brim. I wrote earlier that I don’t want to be angry but it is because of these low-lives that I am forced to curse and be angry. I cannot even express my anger to those people with whose courtesy I am in such a situation. Urgh!
Yet still they will not be forgiven. I will hunt them down and demand to know their problem with me. The world is filled with this filth and I can hardly do anything to extract this filth from the society but as yet at this level, I am bound to tolerate them! But there will come a time when I will slay them all. Every one of them! My anger and disgust towards them will never change. A person who tries to insult me or point a finger at me is my enemy. I will try my level best to give them all the shit they deserve. Damn these people!

A Sunny Bright New Day


Aaahh!
As I opened my eyes, I saw the beams of the sun scattered everywhere. My room, my bed, even my face. I closed my eyes once again and relished the warmth of the sun after the chilly night air! A bright new day!

Philosophically, we may think it is a new beginning, a new start. A new chance to start again and rectify the past misdeeds. A new day full of opportunities and we must get out of bed to pursue them! All this is quite appealing and gets us out of the bed as quick as anything. But is it really what it seems?

From my point of view, i.e. The side of reality, there is no fresh beginning, no new start, no opportunities to grab. Sorry to burst your bubble, our new day is not new but only the continuation of yesterday.
Be realistic, if there was a fresh start, then why do we have to do the same work we did yesterday. If there were fresh and appealing opportunities, why don’t they come when we leave the house. Now you might be thinking that we have to look for them, work hard to acheive them. I agree, I totally agree! But how does it corelate to a fresh new day offering a fresh start.
This is the real case: our lives are monotonous! We live the same as yesterday and will continue doing so until the end with a few minor changes.
Philosophy tampers with a person’s mind, makes them believe things that are not true! It forces them to live under a mirage. A new day is simply nature’s way of telling us that time is passing from day to night and from light to dark. There is no fresh start of life, no new chances, no new life!
Don’t believe in philosophy as it leads to disappointment. Don’t complicate life! It is tangled enough without us adding a few knots here and there. Be true to yourself and see straight. Don’t try to read between the lines because you won’t find anything there except disappointment.

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Journey Down the Memory Lane


Today while sorting my books, guess what I came across ?????
MY FIRST EVER POETRY DIARY!!!
I was surprised as well as excited as I went through my poems. I had started it when I was 9 years old in 2004. I laughed the whole day while reading my poems. They are hilarious. But at the same time I feel that they are my most treasured pieces or writing as well as they draw a comparison between my poetry then and now. I am proud to tell you that I have grown and grown wonderfully with the help of my mentors.

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This is the “table of contents” of my diary ( please excuse the childish handwriting! ).
Today I read my first ever story that I wrote. I would’ve loved to post it here but I don’t think it will be appropriate πŸ˜‰ .
Instead I will post my poem first ever.

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If you are able to read it! I won’t type it as it will kill me πŸ˜‰
I would like to skip that embarassment!
I am awestruck that time passes so quickly that we hardly have time to catch our breath! This diary made me realize that I have grown. My idea of life, my way of thinking has changed, I have matured! And these thoughts really scare me!
This diary holds my childhood in it. A time I hardly recall! But it is so precious as it was a time when my soul was whole, when my heart was happy. Now times have changed and I am left with these silly reminders which make me laugh as well as cry! But I am yet to decide whether these tears are from laughter or am I crying for my lost life.
Anyway, I am totally in love with my old self who used to write such stuff instead of playing with the dolls. I am proud of myself !!!

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My Five Years are Complete


I am so forgetful! I had started my official poetry book on 15th sept, 2007. It was its fifth birthday few days back and I missed it !!!!!
Urgh!
Anyways, I am glad that my poetry has covered 5 years and has improved considerably since.
I am thankful to Allah for helping me. My inspiration is my dad who used to listen to my childish poems. They used to

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be so silly but my dad always praised me and encouraged me. After his death, my english teacher supported me and helped me in writing poems in free verse. She also helped me in moulding my writing skills. And last of all, my brother Jamie, my best friend Sanna, and all those who took the time to read my poems also boosted my confidence in my poetry. Thank you!
I hope my poetry sees the light of the day. I hope I never lose it. It is my only way to give vent to my feelings.
I would like to wish and congratulate myself for the completion of my five years!
Cheers! πŸ™‚

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Angry and Fuming


I am angry!
There is no other explanation for my mood swings. I feel irritated and annoyed by everything and everyone. I am tired of feeling like this. But there’s something nagging in my mind which I cannot grasp. My world is a place where I breathe and get angry. Someone talks loudly, it ticks me off. Someone calls me, I get angry. People get onto my nerves so easily that even I am surprised. I used to have tons of patience and now it seems that I am broke in that sphere. What am I supposed to do?
I wrote so many violent poems this week and the violence in those poems scares even me!
I can control my anger. Nobody realizes that I am angry and that too annoys me! I keep it inside me as I don’t have anyone to shed it on! I talk to myself, calm myself down and then realize that people may think that I am mad. I seem to be stuck with these feelings. I can’t get rid of them. It is driving me insane! There is a permanent scowl on my face that I cannot wipe!
Urgh.
I don’t like it and I don’t want it but I don’t seem to help it either. I don’t want to be angry. 😦

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One Gets Tired After All


How much can a person really endure ?
This question comes to all of us almost everyday. But as always, it remains unanswered. We humans at times feel that we are helpless! We feel like killing ourselves, just to end the turmoil of pain and hurt. But surprisingly we live, we breathe and if we don’t fight, we drift through it. In the end, we live!
Live to bear yet another burden, live to die another day!
Our life os a constant struggle between happiness and sadness, life and death, good and bad, right and wrong! We are free to choose for ourselves.
Life offers us opportunities, both destructive and constructive. It is upto us what we choose! Good leads to right and right leads to happiness which in turn leads to life. On the other hand, bad leads to wrong and wrong leads to sadness which in turn leads to death! We cannot escape the consequences of our decisions! The right decisions are the most difficult to take and heaviest load to carry. Eventually, it will lead to good and you will never regret it. So always take the right decision and stick to it. It always calls for sacrifices, on a meagre scale or big ones. One should make those sacrifices to get the peace of mind! No sacrifice is too small to give up inner peace! Dont be afraid to lose or to fall as life always picks you back up, cleans you and sets you along your way! So trust, believe and follow your instincts!

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No Time to Stop


Phew ! So far so good!
My day has been so hectic that I can feel my quick breathing. In and out all day long ! I haven’t had time the whole day to stop and I have been running the whole day! From tuition to school, from school to home, from home to my aunt’s home, from there to tuition, from tuition to her place again, from there to another tuition. Right now I am sitting in the last tuition of the day waiting for the class to start! Hardly anyone has come!
Now I am at home and writing about my haphazard day!
I agree that I had wished that my day should be full, without any time to spare! But this is definitely not what I wanted!!!!
I hardly talked to anyone today! I was on the run! It seemed as if I had done something bad and now was being chased!
Hahaha!
Haah!
I am glad to be able to stop and sit! I have a lot of work to do and no strength left !
But the second half of my day was incredible! Everyday should be as hectic and full of chaos as I lived today! It filled me with adrenaline and I love that feeling!
In short, I love being busy and in a hurry as it gives me little time to think about odd stuff! It helps keep that part of my mind at ease which keeps me on tiptoes on normal days!
Cheers to a chaotic life!!!

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Making Mistakes


Mistakes !
Wish the word itself didn’t exist but sadly it does! It is written all over us. We commit mistakes! Some on purpose and some unintentionally! Some mistakes can be forgiven, others not! We all make mistakes! Making mistakes can be tolerated but its the guilt and remorse that eats us away! That feeling is awful, unbearable!!!
I make mistakes all the time! Half the time, my mom is angry at me for not doing something that she wanted done! I can live with that as I rectify them as soon as possible but ofcourse after being told off! Until then it doesn’t really come to my mind!
Making mistakes is our nature! We all make mistakes but the margin of the damage done differs!Β 
You might be wondering as to why I am writing all this. The reason is simple! I have been busy since the last week at school as well as home! During all this time, I forgot to message my friend who was waiting for me. That was my mistake and I feel awful about it ! No matter how many times I apologise, it won’t be enough because she is going through stuff and I am the only person she can talk to ! Its terribly selfish and mean of me to forget about her ! I am ashamed of myself ! I am feeling that guilt and remorse creeping under my skin! Its no excuse that I was busy. Everyone is busy ! I should’ve messaged her or called her!! I have no words to say how foolish I am ! Words cannot cover all that I want to say.
But sanna “I am Sorry.” I know I say it many times and that it has lost its meaning so I would like to say “Sanna, I apologise!” “Please forgive me!”
That was meant to make you smile and I know that you didn’t crack even a muscle ! ( maybe now ! But the possibility is bleak!)
“I am Sorry for being a lousy friend this past week!”

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Horror of the Dentist’s Chair


It is a very, very horrible affair! A person who’s teeth are not healthy is a very unfortunate person. He has to undergo so many treatments and procedures!
I am among those unfortunate souls. My teeth were always unwilling to cooperate with me! My first three milk teeth had to be pulled out by a dentist. Luckily, I managed to pull the fourth one out by mistake! My childhood has been a total trip to and from a dentist! So many dentists, so many treatments! All to no avail ! My poor, poor mouth !
The last time I had an encounter with a  dentist was 5 years ago ! After that dad got ill and all that stuff! Now it has started again.  😦
I have started my trips once again since november! Since then I have undergone a lot of treatments. These days, my teeth are being filled. It is such a painful procedure! If anyone tells you that filling does not hurt, tell them to shut their mouth !!!!
It hurts like HELL.
As I started writing this post, I was in the waiting room of the dentist. They were torturing me and now I am home !
Today it hurt a lot! It felt as if he’s cutting and prodding my nerves! Urgh !
Now I know it seems lame that I am writing about such childish topic ! But its not lame and its definitely not childish !! It pains a lot! My heart keeps on hammering during the whole time while I sit in that chair where they make me lay and bear unbearable pain!
I am so much afraid of the dentist ! Its my worst nightmare come true !
The whole day I juggle between school and tuition and the time I used to get to rest a while, I have to go for my filling !!
WHERE IS THE JUSTICE ?????
My whole life went down this lane, filled with anesthesia, cement, needles and stuff!
He makes me open my mouth so big that it hurts!
I can only hope that it will end this year and that my teeth won’t bother me anymore ! 😦

Books !! My Passion !


This something for which I am eternally grateful to Allah who gave my dad the habit of reading books and who infused me with those habits ! I am a sucker for books ! Novels actually ! I kind of drink down the words itself ! I cannot explain the feeling I get when I read a book ! Its like heaven in itself ! One can forget where one is and give in to the lives of the various characters of the book! I am always in my highest spirits while I am reading a book but as soon as it finishes, I feel bored and annoyed until I get a new one ! I read both paper as well as e-books ! Imagine, I can even tolerate the itching white screen of my phone to read a book ! If a books is interesting, I fly through it ! But if its boring, then I crawl through it ! But this way or that, I finish the book ! I never left any book incomplete ! I have made a vow that if I start a book, I will end it ! I started reading books from the second grade ! I even remember my first book and that was a small story of 20 pages, named “Jack and the beanstalk”. I loved the book so much and read it so many times that dad realized that I loved reading and thus began my journey through words. Next my level was increased and I started reading “Enid Blyton” ! “five find outers and and a dog ” was my favorite series ! i still remember there were around 15 books in that series and I read each one of them ! i even read “malory towers” and “famous five” series ! But I never got to complete them ! 😦
After that I began reading random novels ! They were also good but I liked following a particular series. Then I fell upon “Harry Potter” in my sixth grade ! Thus began my obsession with that series ! I was a frantic reader of Harry Potter! I read all the books that year except ofcourse Deathly hallows which was released in my eighth grade ! I read deathly hallows a week and a half after it was released ! I got really lucky ! After that, I got all the movies too ! I have the whole collection in my desktop ! The whole folder is around 13 GB !
Then while all this fanaticism was going on, I even stumbled upon “Twilight”. Then hardly anyone in Kashmir might’ve known about that series ! I read the whole series during the political disturbance in 2009. After that I became its fan as well. I saw the twilight movie so many times that I learned all the scenes and dialogs of the movie ! After that I hardly read harry potter for a year ! But when everyone started screeching “Twilight ” “twilight”, it annoyed me ! So I left it off in my tenth grade and again turned to Harry Potter !
During all this time, I even read the works of David Baldacci, John Grisham, Jeffery Archer, Jane Austen, Charlotte Douglas etc.
I hardly remember the authors anymore. I am venturing deep into the world of literature. I have started reading those books which nobody has ever heard of ! It makes it all the more fun ! I recently read the series “Fallen”. It is amazing ! And nobody has heard of it ! πŸ˜‰
I particularly have an attachment to a Jeffery archer’s book named “Kane and Abel”. I have a deep connection with that book ! It is the one book over which Dad and I used to fight as to who gets to read it first ! I got that book and started reading! It turned out to be awesome ! So I suggested my dad to read it too. One day I was out and dad started to read that book ! He found it equally enjoyable ! He and I used to fight for that book ! We both were simultaneously reading it ! And since it was full of suspense, we could hardly contain ourselves and give the book to the other for reading ! I got so annoyed that I sat one day and finished that book and told dad the end ! After we both finished the book, we had a good laugh and a good scolding from my mother ! AAAAaaahhhhh ! Those were the awesome days !
Dad used to get me novels from his favorite authors and each book was better than the other ! My dad had an exquisite taste regarding books and literature !
Currently I am reading John Grisham’s “The Partner”. Lets see how it turns out to be …………………………. πŸ™‚

Vermins of Our Society


Kashmir is a place where every man wishes that the girls ought to cover themselves with “Burqa”.They feel that it is in accordance with our religion ! I agree with this view and I aprreciate all those girls who wear hijab and burqas.
The people say that girls wear improper clothes and provoke boys to misbehave with them. Believe me! No girl ever wants to be treated like that. Maybe its true but we are yet to see the other side of the coin.
Once in the local bus, I saw a man molesting a girl. Now if that girl would’ve been wearing short shirt or something like that, I would not have given this example. But that girl was properly covered. She was wearing a burqa and not even her eyes were visible. Now please explain the behaviour of that disgusting man who chose to molest such a girl ! Is it right to put the entire blame on girls or are men also at fault. That man was quite old and that girl must’ve been a teenager as she carried a school bag ! This is where I ask the question : Even dressing up so discreetly didnt help, did it ?
It is not about the dressing sense! It is about one’s mentality that one has to change! That girl must’ve cried and wished to die for having to face such embarrassment. It is sad, very sad!

Now you tell me, who is to be blamed ? I say no one ! We are not here to play the “blame game”. We are here to live and let live. Instead we make sure that everyone is sad and afraid. We spread terror among people that they are afraid even to come out of their houses.
This world equally belongs to men as well as women! Men have been given strength to take care of women and not harrass them. It is depressing to know where all this is leading.
In the present kashmir, if a girl is walking with a guy, it means that its her boyfriend! Isnt it possible that it may be her brother or cousin or only a friend! But no ! She is talking to a boy, it means she’s characterless. We pride in our modern thinking and our high standard of living! Urgh !
To HELL with this kind of standard!
A girl is walking on the road and if guys happen to notice her, they turn their car around and annoy the poor girl who never demanded the attention! Still she is the one who is pointed at and people think that “ussi ne kuch kiya hogaa”. What is the matter with people !!! It seems as if people are enemies of the poor girls !
Sigh… Still there are certain good people in this society who are different ! The world still has some good left in it and that is what is keeping the world on its stand

Attitude Problem ???


Maximum people think that people who keep to themselves have attitude ! It is quite hilarious to know a person who isn’t haughty has been tagged as one who has a major attitude problem ! Today I will explain the difference between attitude and being reserved !
A person who is reserved does not talk to people just like that ! That person analyses and then decides whether to talk or not ! Lets be honest ! This is kashmir and here a person cannot talk to another person without a reason!
A person who does not talk to strangers is quite wise as it has been advised time and again that one should not talk to strangers !
Now a person who has a “major attitude” problem is an entirely different matter ! We can deduce that from the fact that a person who walks with nose in the air, thinks highly of himself, believes others unworthy of his attention and brags to his so called friends about things ! Now that is what we call craze and attitude !
A person who walks with his head down and hardly talks to people, is not what we call attitude ! It is in that person’s nature to behave that way ! Maybe he has been taught to talk less and listen more !
As we know, we only have one mouth and two ears ! Did you ever wonder why that is ??
It is because we are meant to talk less and listen more! The less a person talks, the more he listens, the more he learns and the more he gains !

Would you believe that I have been told time and again that people who are newly acquainted with me used to think I have attitude and that I hardly ever talked to people and I had craze and blah blah blah !
It makes me laugh as to how easily people make their opinions about people !

Optimism and Hope go Hand in Hand


This post is for all those who think that I am an emotional wreck ! It may seem that I may have signs of depression but it is not so ! I am not depressed, sad maybe but totally not depressed !
I do look at the brighter side of life ! Otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get up in the morning and do all the stuff that we people do !
Deep down I have enough hope to keep me alive ! But its only on the surface that I find myself dangling! I believe that if I have hope, I definitely do possess optimism ! I too am capable of happy thoughts !

A person filled with hope is the luckiest as well as a very unlucky person ! On one hand, he easily believes in things as he has hope of them being true ! But on the other hand, if it turns out to be false or a charade, it hurts the person a lot and his hopes are shattered ! Not for long though ! His hopes renew themselves from their ashes and mould themselves once again into beautiful dreams and wishes ! The person is not at fault ! His hopes lead him into such realms of his heart from where he never wishes to return ! Optimism builds a person, shapes and moulds his thinking! He starts seeing things in new light and develops a perspective of his own ! He starts observing the brighter side of the moon and hardly acknowledges the dark part of it which receives no light at all !
We may compare those with hopes and belief with the brighter side of the sun and those without hopes and optimism as dead parts of the moon lapsed into complete darkness.
I am somewhere in between ! I feel hope in my veins but the throbbing pain in my heart is a constant reminder of the danger that hoping may put me into. So Alongwith giving up … I believe and hope … Hope to see a better tomorrow and belief that it will happen !

Shifa Naseer

Restlessness


“I am restless !”. My life is filled with restlessness. i don’t know what I want! I am confused ! I am sure most of you feel the same way ! Let me explain my way !
I feel restless wherever I go ! If, for instance, I am at home, I feel that I must go to school. When I reach school, I immediately wish that I was home and in bed !
If I want something, I will set my mind to it ! If I accomplish it, I regret it !
There is this project coming up that I am responsible for ! I dearly wished to make it. Now that I have got it’s responsibility, I wish I had never taken it !
Do my actions make any sense ?
NO
I am totally fed up with myself ! I don’t know what I want from life anymore !
Until last year I was sure that I want to become an engineer like Dad but now I don’t know whether I am capable of that ! I am not sure what I am going to do !
I wish to believe that everything will be alright but it gets all the more tangled !
No matter how many times I try to sort my life out, it gets all the more confusing !
I know that I have many things to be thankful for and I am ! But there’s this feeling in me which marks me “LOST.”
I am lost ! Lost in the tempest of life.
Don’t ask me for answers for I myself am one BIG question !
Earlier, I felt as if I knew myself but lately I don’t recognize myself anymore. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see whom I want to see. I see an expressionless girl who is tired, annoyed, downtrodden, and simply worn out !
So to sum it all up, I am unstable ! And restless ! Completely restless. I cannot sit at a place for long !
I must move, keep moving ! I feel that if I stop, something will happen ! I don’t know what !
So I try breathing ! Deep breathing !
Does it help ?
NO … :/

My faults … A summary !


Ok now reading all my posts may give you the impression that I am a perfect girl but that is not the case even though I wish it were. My shortcomings and weaknesses are more than of anybody else’s.
First things first, even though I have lost a lot but I still have so much, I disregard it at times and pity myself. I don’t like that attitude ! At all ! And i feel mortified after that!
Also I am lazy, as lazy as I can ever be ! I only do my work when driven to extremes and at the last minute only! I wish I were more active and not waste my time leisurely ! At times when I am sure of myself, I do something which surprises even me !
I have anger issues ! I am working on it but at times it slips and I hurt other people in the process and it saddens me ! I always try not to hurt people but my anger makes that difficult. I have the habit of retorting back, whosoever that may be ! I used to be patient but now my patience has run out ! I am so impatient, it annoys me as well!
That means I annoy other people too !
A
Also I say whatever is in my mind and regret it later! I hate that regret ! Lately, everything bothers me! Whatever anybody says or does, bothers me !
I am forgetful. I forget to do things which I was supposed to do ! It really annoys my friends (which are only a handful) and my mom! But I cannot help it, can i ?
So thats all I can come up with !
I am still in bed so I better get up otherwise mom will kill me ! Will add to the above list later !Β  πŸ˜‰

Teacher’s day : My father’s day


Tomorrow is Teacher’s day ! And it pains me when I think that my Dad, who was an amazing teacher, is not here for me to wish him ! Tomorrow’s day was very important to my Dad as he received so many gifts and cards from his students ! It was on this day that I truly saw how much my father was respected and loved by his students ! And Teacher’s day is yet another reminder of what really has happened to my life !
Whatever my dad used to teach, it used to get lodged in my memory ! I still remember how he taught me the LOG tables in my 9th standard ! He taught me the topic “Light ” in 7th standard and I remember going to the book store with him to buy the reference “Integrated science”!
So much time has passed since then. It seems like a totally different age when it used to be my motive to earn a praise from Dad. A totally different era !
Now it’s just me !
“Dad, happy teacher’s day ! I love you so much and it hurts that I cannot wish you!”

My first ever teacher was my dad. And I lost him ! I guess it doesn’t matter now. I try not to think about such things but I cannot help it! It is there under the surface, nagging in my mind and threatening to burst forth !

My Desolate House


I live in my mom’s house ! We shifted there after dad’s death. My own home is somewhere else. We go to visit the place from time to time.
Today I went there and what met my eyes killed me today ! My house, my once beautiful home, lay in complete desolation ! All I saw today was the ruin of my past life ! My home was such a pleasant place before. Now I cannot stop the tears from coming whenever I go there.
Today was particularly painful ! Today I felt something. I don’t know what ! I have never seen my house so dirty, so empty, so dusty ! Dust covered every nook and corner of my home ! I was totally dumbfounded as I saw my home in new light ! I saw a concrete house which is decaying!
The silence was deafening, actually eerie! I heard the sound of the silence ! It weighed me down. I couldn’t stand still. The weight of my grief buckled my knees and I sat there on the bare cemented floor. The whole ceiling, the walls and the floor was covered by heavy and thick cobwebs! The cobwebs signify desolation and my house was desolated ! It has been uninhabited since two years. My house !
It used to be my refuge but now I don’t have one ! I am like a stranded ship without a harbor.
Whatever happens is always for the best ! But at times, the sorrow and the loss overwhelms me so much that I feel my life is a void !
The happy period in my life was when dad was alive. Now I don’t know what I am living. I don’t know happiness, the feeling of joy which comes from within ! I am totally at loss to explain what I felt today ! I don’t have enough words for what I witnessed. All I can say is that it made me sit there and cry!
I cried for my dead father!
I cried for my lost home !
I cried for my empty life !
I cried for the loneliness of my mother !
I cried for my ill fate !
I cried for my shattered dreams !
I cried for my unfulfilled wishes !
I cried for my ruined childhood !
I cried for the pain of my family !
I cried and I cried and I cried ……………….. but it never seems enough ! No matter how much I console myself, my heart wages wars with fate !
I never complained about my situation and I never will ! But everyone of us has that weak moment when the situation and the condition strikes a nerve and a person breaks down into a hundred pieces!