Leap Year


It just occurred to me it’s February 29. One extra day of existing which comes once in four years.

While I appreciate the extra time I get to spend on questioning my existence, I couldn’t help but smile at the irony of this day.

If only I could, I would use this day to be more aware of who I am.

I’m inadequate, I am incomplete, I want to be more than what I can be

Leap years are special, they said, I see nothing but another day in one year. Eh. It’s all in the mind, I want to have February 29s, every day. If I could.

There isn’t much thought provoking thoughts about leap year, much is yet to be said about the extra time.

I’m still glad that it came and I would be sad that the day is ending, only because it was a Saturday.

Hands


Hands express, tell you when the words failed

Hands convey what the heart is yearning to say

Moving through air, slashing through, rapid movements, depending on the mood

On and on, they went, wordless, voiceless

Saying what was never heard and never will be

Lost to the vibrations unless you see.

Hands, lying lifeless by the side. Spent. Done saying what you didn’t want to hear

Dejected, they never woke. It was the end of the road.

Freak


I wasn’t born into this.

This is a result of constant efforts.

Cosmos working on its masterpiece.

The Sun wasn’t always so bright in your eyes.

And the Moon wasn’t so far from its silvery light

There wasn’t missing, a twinkle in your eyes.

It is all in my imagination, now that it’s a myth.

The grass wasn’t always so brown and dead.

The roots didn’t always recoil inside.

And the birds weren’t always so afraid to chirp on the tree across from the yard

Where you sat and watched.

Memories fading, you began the descent.

The fate was turning it’s wheel and your head was spinning.

A spiral, the staircase, and a bottomless pit.

I wasn’t always like this, I am a subverted image. Everything that you are afraid of

I’m the anomaly, I exist in the shadows.

I corrupt like virus, and you break like an outdated program.

Memory Game


You can play the memory game

You can cut off all ties, forget my name

But I’ll remember you, fondly

All the days and all the smiles, all the lessons and all the tears

I’ll hold dear, for my smile, when with you, used to be real.

Prisoner of a Broken Mind


Usually it starts with a thought and end up as a few lines on this blog.

Not much thought goes into writing. No revisits, edits or changes. It’s not worth going back.

However, it’s an important day tomorrow. It’s February 15. Once a day of joy, it’s a reminder of a loss we once suffered, the sting of which doesn’t seem to abate.

Khair.

Flowers lose their scent with time, the clouds shed the rain and move on, the day trespasses into the night and life goes on.

What doesn’t change is the horror which seems to raise its head from time to time, reminding me of the futility of all my efforts.

Life lost, altered, and became a burden, breathing slowed, more laboured, I knew death had come knocking

Panic, I stand by the door, hooded figure in mind, pushing me aside, it was not my time yet

Around, it looked and zeroed in, that one, it said. And gliding forward, took his hand in my mind and beckoned him to follow

Screams erupted around me, was it me? I couldn’t tell, there was a ringing in my ears and I did hear one last draw of breath before darkness took over.

Just like that, in my mind, my world was blank.

What would I do with career discussions to be great, a big house and a fancy car. All this faded away as soon as the darkness took centre stage.

Since then, it’s been a struggle to remember, to try and keep alive the spark that once lit my home.

A memory game, a battle already lost to time and age.

I will fight against the odds and I will remember but at what cost?

Someday, I will make peace with the absence that I feel, someday I will find that missing piece.

Every action stemmed from that empty corner which I yearned to fill with your presence but you were gone. I called but you were far away, separated by a thin veil

One which I couldn’t break, were you being held there or was it me on this side, a prisoner of my broken mind.

Replaceable


I have thoughts and thoughts have meaning, meaning makes me wonder and wonder makes me cringe.

Transient feelings woven on a bed of lies. No, not lies, but hope, a benefit of doubt.

It’s haunting to relive every day the pain, the pain that I try to evade every day

Its haunting to see, that you could live without me. Anyway, it’s all up to fate, in the end we are nothing but names

Past comes knocking one day, and I didn’t open the door. I’m afraid to see the eyes that once were full of love

Now stare at me, empty, telling me I’m replaceable.

It’s Rude To Intrude


Like an intruder, love comes into your life, unannounced

Rude to intrude, it steers the wheel away from you

And just like that, you’re in the backseat, watching your life pass you by

Smiling as you keep giving in, bending further, till your knees hit the floor

Broken.

Love doesn’t come into your life, it’s thrusted upon you

Here, carry it, hold on to it and until you feel it multiply like virus

And soon, your cells are little love cells filling your heart with a false sense of fulfillment

A lie coated with your favourite milk chocolate wrapped around a crisp cookie.

Yourself


Love sticks together, it cannot be split

One emotion for one person

I’ve never had it

For it was for you, always for you

Loving self, what is that?

I never knew what I could give until I had given it away

If I love you, I cannot love me

So to love me, do I have to let you go?

Sunsets


To all the betrayals I faced, a goodbye

To the memories, I bid adieu

Done with the soppy attitude, I take the power from you

I will be free of the invisible shackles

Metal sliding on metal, I will break free

Walk into the sunsets, towards the horizon, happy or not, but the misery will end.

The Last Breath


It’s painful to watch people love, see them gushing and caring, laughing and hugging

Reading in books about romance that doesn’t exist anymore. Writing letters on fading paper

Carving out words of love, and find memories, it’s brazen to see the affection they share

And even more painful to watch them love afar, someone who doesn’t want them around

It’s brutal to watch them wait, wait for something or someone they’re never sure they’re going to meet

And yet

The real tragedy is hope. Hope for a better tomorrow, keeping the flame alive, and burning.

Smiling through tears and living in agony, hiding the pain behind a frozen smile

Unflinching morale, they say it’s love. It’s more like a last breath before the current takes you under

Befor your lungs give out and water seeps in, and before you hit the floor of your kitchen and bleed out

It’s the last breath love forces out of you, because the beloved couldn’t care less whether you’re a part of the bigger picture or just a wallflower.

Abandoned


Likes leaves in Autumn, like birds from their nests

Like footprints in the sand, like the Sun on a cloudy day

You left, never again looked in my way, a solitary existence

I marched forward, not paying heed to the naked tree

Turned a blind eye to the abandoned home, long gone

Didn’t look back at the lost prints, a sign of your presence once felt so strong

Never looked up at the sky again, for fear of being trapped in the endless grey rumours

That you once stemmed from the same stream where I used to come to drink.

Musings coming your way


I don’t claim to know much about life, hell, I don’t claim to know much about anything really.

I have most of my days, drowned in my own troubles, with my head stuck in the sand.

But I am reasonable enough to know that you need to cherish what you have because life is unpredictable and may take things away from you without warning

Good health, money, fame, people who love you?

Every single thing you have, don’t lose it just because you have eyes on something that is farther away

Grass is always greener on the other side.

I learned it the hard way. And I’m still trying to find my way back.

I’m not lost, I’m just reluctant to agree and accept and move forward with a clean slate.

Life is too short and too meaningful to let it go to waste. Hold those who love you close for there are many who are deprived of it.

I’m loved. And I want to love and be alive and not just live.

How do I overcome this overpowering belief system that I have developed based on the tragedies of my past?

How do I break free and hold my head high and call myself a survivor if I still struggle to get out of bed due to lack of motivation to live?