Hearing stories of misery from other people like me
Stuck in a loop of a memory frame, longing for things that they’re never going to get back
They tell me tales of sorrow, my heart cries for them and it cries for me
I see the world for what it is, a sorrowful place with pockets of happiness
I am afraid I may have used up all my pockets, and now I am in a cloud of misery
Listening to people in their clouds, hoping you could make it better
Hoping, that time would turn back and I could fix what I did wrong
Writing has lost its flavour, I do not feel it in me that a piece is good
I have lost the sense of contentment I used to find in words
Maybe I changed last June, maybe I broke.
Where do I begin, where do I begin to tell you my story
I was more than just a blog, I was more than words
I had a smile, and a sparkle in my eyes
I had love, I had patience to love and I would forgive
And then all was wiped clean, something went wrong
Like pulling a plug
All I want is to escape, to escape to a fairy land where I can be me
I won’t have a burden on my chest, where people won’t leave me.
Not a victim but a survivor, I have many stories to share in my brief lifetime
The only one that a recall is a teary eyed girl typing away on a white screen.
The day you left, a part of me died
You didn’t take any part of me in your memories, I know
But some I gave you, those will never return.
The death took a toll on me, I broke in half
Like the waning of the Moon, the darkness descended slowly
After you left, it was a night, gradually turning into a nightmare
One I had hoped I would never live to see.
Live I did, survive I did.
What fate had for me, I took it and I took to my face.
In my dreams, I see you and things are okay.
Tell me someday, when you get time, that you were gone even before I had known
That love cannot be enough to hold people down.
I am tired of mourning the past, now that I recall, you did warn me that things wouldn’t last
I was naive, I should’ve known that time will play it’s trick and you’ll be gone.
I would pick up the pieces left behind, puncture my fingers and let them bleed
And watch myself as the world turns red, in your absence.
It stings, it’s cold, it is everything I had hoped
You deserve a proper farewell, with pain in my eyes and scraps in my hands
Holding what is left of the past, a ghost town of memories
Abandoned by my will, left by my resolve
Nothing was worth the pain, it was all a lie. Nothing could convince me that there was a world going by
I was a universe in myself had you seen
I was enough for both of us, if only you knew
But time is gone, the mirror has cracked. I sit wondering if it ever will go back.
Little things matter
From a reckless smile to unconditional strangeness
Wasting time, thinking of you in little spaces
In my mind, I repeat. Little things matter.
No wonder you left, I was so boring.
Who wanted boring when life was on a silver platter
Who wanted distance when life was knocking at the door.
I was so boring, I put my conscience to sleep.
But little things matter. I keep reminding myself. Things that are close to me, reminders of something, someone
Miles between us will not reduce the affection, the love and now a tinge of bitterness
A perfect recipe for heartburn.
But little things matter.
Yesterday I found your photo in one of my dairies
It was a brief pause between collecting my things
The photo wasn’t mine and neither did it belong to me anymore
From a distant time, another me had a photo similar
I threw it out, and I felt lighter.
I still am left with the burden of your memories, of the time spent together. And yet yesterday was a move.
It was a start.
They are making if difficult to love you, they’re telling me I don’t belong.
They push me into the broom cupboard and refuse me meals.
They say I have done wrong to you. But what did I do?
I love you, I am yours and yet I am denied the right to even breathe where I belong
They took everything away from me and expect me to smile. They beat me up when I cry in pain.
They are making it difficult to love you, you do not defend me either.
You do not tell them to stop. You know me.
Your love is a bland painting, with too many colours that hurt the eye.
And one cannot look at it too long.
It is the fainting lines of a charcoal sketch, once beautifully carved on paper and now is just a shadow
Yours is? Yours was? What once was? Something old?
A black and white check shirt, now no longer fits
Moving on to find new clothes, I went shopping.
I was outdated for the new fashion, it seemed
Now I wear rags, and drama as my crown
While sitting miles away, you laud at your honest and wise decision.
Today it rained, it rained as if the sky was mourning my death
I was not dead, I was alive, somewhat
The rain did not relent, water bouncing off the roof, trickling down the sidewalls and seeping into the ground
And then swelling around, puddles turning to ponds.
The clouds were heavy, shaking off their burden.
I watched with envy, a luxury I don’t have.
Today it was humid and I could feel the restless breathing
I couldn’t breathe and yet I was alive while the sky mourned my death.
On a disappointing day, in a sorrowful way.
You and I go way back, a cushion in dark times, you hold my hand and whisk me away into a mould of sorrow
We have been together since forever, you never leave me, other friends walked away, but you stayed.
My sorrow, you stayed. You broke me down into pieces and you tore away at the strings of my heart, you made me hollow and yet, you are the one I choose
I embrace you. Because you never leave me, old friend.
Little can be said about those who claimed to let me go for my sake.
Nothing can be said about those who chose everything else over me. But you choose me. Every time.
In dark nights when I miss parts of me, you cover up the leaks, you cloak me over.
And I am comfortable. Hollow but I feel complete.
The spaces, the wounds left by those gone by, are filled.
Your memories are like the stinking water that seeps in from drains and clogs up the toilet
Floods the rooms and soaks all the furniture
As it rains and pours and rains some more
The sky cries with me as I watch the house flooding in the middle of the night
I have always heard that saying, “God does not give more than you can bear”.
Today I feel my spirit is breaking.
It feels as if the light has gone out and I stand alone in the dark hoping that someone would pull me out as I broke my back trying to climb the endless climb which begins with a step and ends with the step.
I have been trying. I have been trying my soul and my mind and every ounce of energy in me, to get out. To go. And leave. For good.
Distant words ring in my mind that I need to get away. And I have been trying so I can get lost in the crowd and yet here I stand. Hoping. Fool, you are that you hope.
Hope is a poison that eats away your self.
The kind of self that sacrifices itself happily at the altar of disgrace.
One step away, not that far
All I need to do is stretch my hand
Within reach, I stand
One step away. Someone push me, tell me to move
I have a lot to say, a lot to prove
May have lost the spark within, but the ambers burn bright
Keeping warm by the flames, I watch
Knowing that I am one step away, where I stand alone
Hoping that you’ll come by and say hello.
So you’ll know I moved away and not on.
Love, and hugs that once life was, will never be gone.