Relishing The Pain

Standard

I have enough and still I want more
Not happiness but some pain I would desire
To rip me apart from every possible way
To raze me to ash, to push me to limits
I relish in the pain I am subjected to
So break my heart and leave me to suffer
Leave me alone in the darkness of my night
Over the dense canopy of the melancholic clouds
Break my heart by being mean to me
So I can cherish the pain, the sadness that I feel
I want to lose and never regain
My hope and my ways to gain peace
Be the storm and blow away my castle of cards
Be the rain and run down my harvest
Destroy everything I ever made
So I can relish in my pain.

Giving Words To My Misery

Standard

I have many words which may define many feelings I feel
Each being connected to everything which made my nerves of steel
I am strong and I hold on
Something which is a misery to my mystery of sorrows
I hold no grudge yet the anger doesnt fade
I try to pacify, I try to make a fool of myself
As hard as I try, as difficult as you make it for me
I look for words with equal difficulty to give words to my misery
I drown in it, I relish in it
I need no hook, I need no anchor
I am satisfied with being marooned to the sea of misfortunes
What care do I have if you are dissatisfied with how I live my life?
You are not in my shoes, you dont have the slightest inclination of what its like to be me
How painful, how pathetic my life is
“Move on” they say
Sure I will but where to move on?
“Life is long” they say
Sure it is but mine feels dead already
“Its a new year and a new beginning” they say
It makes me laugh to see the ignorance they harbour.
I’d rather head off into the oblivion with the face of reality
Than believe that life is what it is meant to be.

2014.

Standard

The whole year is wrapping up today as a present to the past and I might just as well add my little packages too. This year started out great, little hurdles, small ups and small downs, accelerated in a positive way, and stayed constant followed by a major downfall.
If you are a regular reader, you would know what I am talking about.
The year 2014 is a very important year for me. I gained back my family and lost my father.
Starting with my accident in the beginning of the year, it seemed like a huge thing for me. It made me value my life which I wasn’t bothered about before.
Then came the results of my board exams and choosing of my stream for graduation.
My family, especially bysa papa supported me in taking up Arts and pursuing what I loved to do.
Then my sister’s wedding brought me closer to my family and made me realise that they mean the world to me. I was happy.
I joined college. Delhi University turned out exactly as I thought it would be. Classes were great. The people were great.
Then bysa papa was diagnosed with cancer at the same time as kashmir floods. I was torn from the people I called my friends.
Everything began to fall like the wind blowing away the castle of cards. And in no time, my life was shattered.
Great ending to a memorable year. 😏

Dear 2014, lets not repeat our gifts again. I would be obliged. Now, go in peace and take away my life which you shattered so easily.
Not so grateful.
Me.
Happy New Year.

Withered Lives

Standard

Like flower buds, we bloom
Springing from our mothers’ womb
Nourishment and care, we get as much as she can spare
Grow up we do with the freshness of the dew
See the sun, the light it throws
All bright and shiny, even the night as the moon glows
Tucked in the warmth of the petal like arms of our mothers, we sleep
No worries, no sadness, no melancholy in our dreams
But as life moves forward
Future reveals the present, the present isn’t pleasant
It breaks the backbone, the stem of our vibrancy
Green turns to gold, petals wither and fall
The flowers exposed, the harshness takes a toll
We wither, we suffer, life drains out with the tears we shed
Facing the sky, we beg for mercy
We ask for the shiny days but Alas!
Once a flower withers, it withers true to its core
Once done, cannot be undone
No matter the rain falling, the breeze which blows
Dies the flower with a last gasp of pain
Lies in the heap of wilderness, never to adorn the earth with its grace
Withered lives do not resurrect, they do not come alive
They bend and rot and mix with the mud
Not caring for the frost of the ground, the chilly winter winds
The cruelty makes it hard to cope, hard to breathe
One wishes to run, to die, to mix with the mud
Just to escape the pain, just for a little while.
But it is not so!
Fixed is the time for each of the flowers
To wither, to die, to rot in the end.