I’m not mad at you


When I say this to someone, they say thank you and walk away

Guilt-free and light

When I expect someone to forgive me, I am judged.

I’m mad at you. You’re not what we want you to be. I will judge you for who you are

And I smile and I smile and I smile with my burdened heart, thinking that maybe I give away too much of me

“I’m not mad at you!” I wish you’d say it, anyone!

Say it. Mean it for me so I can sleep guilt-free

My heart is burdened, my eyes are tired and my mind is buzzing with voices I cannot drown

I’m not mad at you. I’m not anything really.

An empty shell of a person, left alone in a desert, tending to her burnt feet.

I left


You will find me in the crevices of your mind, when you think of me in the lonely times of your life

But you won’t find me at the gate, waiting for you with a frown on my face because you were late.

Because I left.

Parting


I wish we’d said kinder words before parting

Said thoughts we’d been thinking, building up in our minds while listening

About parting, farewells, goodbye notes and everything

I wish we’d had that last hug, lived a lifetime in a moment of bliss

Held on to the last thread of peace, we found within

Together we could’ve woven a warm, comfortable blanket

In the cold weather of harsh winds

I wish we’d held hands, and stopped each other from turning away

Made our feet stop and hold the ground for us to stay.

I’m leaving


The corner where you last saw me, I am leaving it behind

The last look, the last straw that was, I am leaving it behind

A few drawings, few writing, baubles, and memories, I am leaving it all behind

I am turning the page, I am driving away, I am taking the blind curve

And never looking back.

If ever you venture into what I call is abandonment zone, I won’t be there.

Reminds me of a song long forgotten

Call me a thousand times but I am lost to you.

I am leaving you behind, I am leaving everything behind.

Trauma


It isn’t something that just happened to you

Trauma, it is not something you lay there for everyone to see

It’s a business of closed doors, it’s a parade of darkness and denial

Trauma, you feel it, you snap like a rubber band, recoiling inside

Like a snake curls up when it feels what snaky beings feel

Like the panda, who faces the wall, alone when sad.

Sad.

Sad becomes your new smile

You wear it every day, sometimes even in your reflection just to rid your face of the frown

The frown you’ve been wearing since forever

The ugly head of the fears you suppress, you don’t have time to open that box of worms

The fears spring out at you right when you’re about to fall into the abyss called sleep

And sleep alludes you.

Then begins the struggle to fall into nothingness, some relief

You are denied even that, because ofcourse, your trauma

It’s a living thing, growing inside you, taking away your will to live.

And all you do is smile that sad smile to replace the frown to keep people at bay

Denial. Distraction.

The trauma is drama, they say and walk away

You try to pretend, you try to hide further into your corner and still they leave

You’re too much to handle, a reality that they are not aware of yet

And yet you’re blamed and left alone.

Thats your trauma. Loneliness and abandonment as you try to smile to replace the frown to keep the questions at bay.

Failed love stories


There’s nothing more I can do but stand on my head and hope that the person ahead of me will stop and turn and look at me while I burn.

There is nothing more that I can do but cry and wail in despair while trying to convince the person ahead of me to stop and look while I turn to ash.

There is absolutely nothing I can do but watch as each love story fails, one after another, making me wonder if it was me leaving all along

Fail. Stories. Of. Love. Told in ways that no one understood. As leaves started falling in Autumn and the breeze picked up speed

Whipping my hair across my face and reminding me to treat them like dirt. You are dirt.

You had to know


You claim to love, you claim to care and yet you hurt, you refuse to share

Mighty high your attitude stands, anger issues fuel the fire

Refusing to meet the eye, you turn away from the one you love

And who loves you? One person from the crowd, can easily be misled

Into believing that you do not care.

Talk about metaphors and veiled attacks and never be on point.

Well, it’s a shame for you had to know that this time, it was different.

You had to know that the lover wouldn’t give up until he/she loves.

You had to know.