Well, everyone expects me to be all giddy and happy about Eid. Sure, Ramadhan is at an end and we can eat in the daylight and blah blah, what I really cant stomach is the fact that bysa papa is not here with me on this Eid. It is like the same thing only 5 years later. I felt crappy about Eid after papa died and now the same feeling only magnified. How can I wish everyone when I feel terrible, when I want to rip my heart out of my chest and cry out loud. There is so much anger inside me that I may explode and yet here I am, alive, writing and whining away on my blog as usual. Nothing seems to change. Its like a cycle. The earth completes its own and so do I.
The Sun claws at my day, drawing from it what I cherish
I suffer in the light while people pray for the illumination of the world
Each day is hard, the Sun is ruthlessly bold
For even in its majestic glory, I feel cold.
This is just a play of words, a farce to keep me going
Yet I feel the Doom, the air reeks of its rotting smell
These vague emotions tire me out, feed the gloom that serves the day
What is a peaceful sleep, I ask you one day, you smile and tell me that is something I can never have.
How do you smile so wide without hurting your cheeks, I ask you another day, you smile wider, your teeth visible and show me what I can never do.
Why is it that every day in the morning you have a face which is shining, welcoming and not tired, you laugh at me and tell me that you sleep peacefully
But then that is what you told me I can never have.
Why is there a “you”? I dont like the “you” in there. Might as well ignore it. I have a better smile.
18th April was my birthday. It was a good day made special by people who care. I dont really know why I wrote that. I just did.
I am confused. Going through a dry phase maybe, or that its just been some hectic months.
Let me tell you guys that no one has the right to set parameters of what normality is. It depends on person to person, age groups, occupations and situations. So what if I cannot handle mine? So what if I let myself be bullied. Maybe that’s normal for me that no one knows about it for I hide it so well.
Coming back to setting parameters, I would like to highlight this fact that each person has his/her own set of rules according to which they behave socially and mentally. If you come up and tell me that my rules are wrong then thats not fair. To which most of the people say that “Life is not fair”. To which I respond that Life is Fair. It is propotionately fair. It has its own parameters of being fair to people and being mean. So who are we to decide for someone that they are not normal. What if they are trying their level best to be as normal as their condition allows them to be. Maybe they are too afraid to be normal for life may want to snatch yet another thing from them. Maybe they are afraid of being happy for they may have a huge amount of crying to do for life offers the blood of the ones you love on a golden platter and you cannot refuse that. Trust me, No one can.
Waqt nahi raha, woh sama nahi raha, jab milte the hum aapas mai yun sada. Gardish ne yun karwat li hai, ki pani ke saath beh gaya mera jahan. Aankhon se khwaab gayab hue, jab aap hum se judaa hue. Aaj janamdin par aap ki yaad mere saath hai, akele baithe hain tou kya, aapke nishaan mere saath hain.
That time is no more, those seasons are no more, When we were always together. Fate has been so treacherous that it took away my world with the flood that came. The dreams vanished from my eyes the day you were separated from me. Today is your birthday, and your memory is with me. So what if I am alone, I have traces of your existence with me.
The reason why i havent been much active on my blog is that I had stopped thinking altogether. Its too painful to even put into words. I started this blog to cope with my father’s death and now I dont even know if this blog is going to be enough or not to cope with what I have gone through.
1st April is Bysa Papa’s birthday. After papa, he became a very important person in my life and four years later of papa’s death, he too died.
Now today I wanted to wish him, sing him a birthday song, pray for him but he isnt here. So as usual, I will post it on my blog.
Happy Birthday Bysa Papa. I love you. I miss you. I still cant believe that you were alive at this time last year and we cut the cake together.
The world seems melancholic tonight for I feel things I had long stopped feeling
My ears, protected from what I wasnt meant to hear, fell prey to those forbidden whispers
My heart, at times alive and at times like lead, is tortured by the visions I encountered. It bleeds for what passed.
Eyes, that had died from within and had lost the spark of life, now wither away with the little movements they had
Now all this for what? All the struggle, the pain for what?
Am I just a pretty face from outside? Does no one care for the wounded inside?
I have enough and still I want more
Not happiness but some pain I would desire
To rip me apart from every possible way
To raze me to ash, to push me to limits
I relish in the pain I am subjected to
So break my heart and leave me to suffer
Leave me alone in the darkness of my night
Over the dense canopy of the melancholic clouds
Break my heart by being mean to me
So I can cherish the pain, the sadness that I feel
I want to lose and never regain
My hope and my ways to gain peace
Be the storm and blow away my castle of cards
Be the rain and run down my harvest
Destroy everything I ever made
So I can relish in my pain.