What is a peaceful sleep, I ask you one day, you smile and tell me that is something I can never have.
How do you smile so wide without hurting your cheeks, I ask you another day, you smile wider, your teeth visible and show me what I can never do.
Why is it that every day in the morning you have a face which is shining, welcoming and not tired, you laugh at me and tell me that you sleep peacefully
But then that is what you told me I can never have.
Why is there a “you”? I dont like the “you” in there. Might as well ignore it. I have a better smile.
18th April was my birthday. It was a good day made special by people who care. I dont really know why I wrote that. I just did.
I am confused. Going through a dry phase maybe, or that its just been some hectic months.
Let me tell you guys that no one has the right to set parameters of what normality is. It depends on person to person, age groups, occupations and situations. So what if I cannot handle mine? So what if I let myself be bullied. Maybe that’s normal for me that no one knows about it for I hide it so well.
Coming back to setting parameters, I would like to highlight this fact that each person has his/her own set of rules according to which they behave socially and mentally. If you come up and tell me that my rules are wrong then thats not fair. To which most of the people say that “Life is not fair”. To which I respond that Life is Fair. It is propotionately fair. It has its own parameters of being fair to people and being mean. So who are we to decide for someone that they are not normal. What if they are trying their level best to be as normal as their condition allows them to be. Maybe they are too afraid to be normal for life may want to snatch yet another thing from them. Maybe they are afraid of being happy for they may have a huge amount of crying to do for life offers the blood of the ones you love on a golden platter and you cannot refuse that. Trust me, No one can.
Waqt nahi raha, woh sama nahi raha, jab milte the hum aapas mai yun sada. Gardish ne yun karwat li hai, ki pani ke saath beh gaya mera jahan. Aankhon se khwaab gayab hue, jab aap hum se judaa hue. Aaj janamdin par aap ki yaad mere saath hai, akele baithe hain tou kya, aapke nishaan mere saath hain.
That time is no more, those seasons are no more, When we were always together. Fate has been so treacherous that it took away my world with the flood that came. The dreams vanished from my eyes the day you were separated from me. Today is your birthday, and your memory is with me. So what if I am alone, I have traces of your existence with me.
The reason why i havent been much active on my blog is that I had stopped thinking altogether. Its too painful to even put into words. I started this blog to cope with my father’s death and now I dont even know if this blog is going to be enough or not to cope with what I have gone through.
1st April is Bysa Papa’s birthday. After papa, he became a very important person in my life and four years later of papa’s death, he too died.
Now today I wanted to wish him, sing him a birthday song, pray for him but he isnt here. So as usual, I will post it on my blog.
Happy Birthday Bysa Papa. I love you. I miss you. I still cant believe that you were alive at this time last year and we cut the cake together.
The world seems melancholic tonight for I feel things I had long stopped feeling
My ears, protected from what I wasnt meant to hear, fell prey to those forbidden whispers
My heart, at times alive and at times like lead, is tortured by the visions I encountered. It bleeds for what passed.
Eyes, that had died from within and had lost the spark of life, now wither away with the little movements they had
Now all this for what? All the struggle, the pain for what?
Am I just a pretty face from outside? Does no one care for the wounded inside?
I have enough and still I want more
Not happiness but some pain I would desire
To rip me apart from every possible way
To raze me to ash, to push me to limits
I relish in the pain I am subjected to
So break my heart and leave me to suffer
Leave me alone in the darkness of my night
Over the dense canopy of the melancholic clouds
Break my heart by being mean to me
So I can cherish the pain, the sadness that I feel
I want to lose and never regain
My hope and my ways to gain peace
Be the storm and blow away my castle of cards
Be the rain and run down my harvest
Destroy everything I ever made
So I can relish in my pain.
I have many words which may define many feelings I feel
Each being connected to everything which made my nerves of steel
I am strong and I hold on
Something which is a misery to my mystery of sorrows
I hold no grudge yet the anger doesnt fade
I try to pacify, I try to make a fool of myself
As hard as I try, as difficult as you make it for me
I look for words with equal difficulty to give words to my misery
I drown in it, I relish in it
I need no hook, I need no anchor
I am satisfied with being marooned to the sea of misfortunes
What care do I have if you are dissatisfied with how I live my life?
You are not in my shoes, you dont have the slightest inclination of what its like to be me
How painful, how pathetic my life is
“Move on” they say
Sure I will but where to move on?
“Life is long” they say
Sure it is but mine feels dead already
“Its a new year and a new beginning” they say
It makes me laugh to see the ignorance they harbour.
I’d rather head off into the oblivion with the face of reality
Than believe that life is what it is meant to be.
The whole year is wrapping up today as a present to the past and I might just as well add my little packages too. This year started out great, little hurdles, small ups and small downs, accelerated in a positive way, and stayed constant followed by a major downfall.
If you are a regular reader, you would know what I am talking about.
The year 2014 is a very important year for me. I gained back my family and lost my father.
Starting with my accident in the beginning of the year, it seemed like a huge thing for me. It made me value my life which I wasn’t bothered about before.
Then came the results of my board exams and choosing of my stream for graduation.
My family, especially bysa papa supported me in taking up Arts and pursuing what I loved to do.
Then my sister’s wedding brought me closer to my family and made me realise that they mean the world to me. I was happy.
I joined college. Delhi University turned out exactly as I thought it would be. Classes were great. The people were great.
Then bysa papa was diagnosed with cancer at the same time as kashmir floods. I was torn from the people I called my friends.
Everything began to fall like the wind blowing away the castle of cards. And in no time, my life was shattered.
Great ending to a memorable year. 😏
Dear 2014, lets not repeat our gifts again. I would be obliged. Now, go in peace and take away my life which you shattered so easily.
Not so grateful.
Happy New Year.