Fixing You


A nut here and a bolt there

Loose.

I tighten them, around and around

I fix you.

Getting my hands dirty in your messy life

And yet I stay, fixing you.

Always, every time you break down

I fear you are an old model

But I have faith, you will pull through

For I am there to fix you.

 

Dreams


A lion roars or a dog barks

Its like a zoo in my head

Right before the morning strikes

Head aches, restless sleep

Tormented visions, uneasy dreams

Scared of my pillow, cry myself to sleep

The torture, no one around

Screams drowned in the roaring.

You’re Not The Only One


I fear death 

Don’t you? 

I fear life more 

You’re not the only one 

I fear isolation 

Desolate corridors of the present 

The future is dense 

And it scares me more 

You’re not the only one 

Trust to make the leap of faith 

Heights of chance and fate 

Panicky 

But I am not the only one. 

Brief Forever


You do not look far for a forever

Flipping the last page of a book or the last sip of coffee

Clouds moving away after a brief drizzle

Patience running thin, wanting to move to another joy

Skipping steps, turning away

Disappearing round the corners is what you look for

Brief forever, eternal goodbyes

 

My Fear 


Its in my head, like my reality 

So it exists, very painfully aware 

Of the fear. 

Throbbing pain in my chest 

Makes it hard to breathe 

Panic sets in, robs me of my sleep 

In darkness I lie, giving life to them 

They torment me

My personal hell, scares me. 

Tiff With The Words


Language is failing me

Where I used to be sure of my words

Now I am scared of writing what I think

And I do not think language will do justice

Its not a block, the words flow like water from a spring

And yet I don’t hit the bottom

I dont see an end.

 

 

I Am On Trial


A courtroom is what seems to be missing

The rest seems uncannily similar

I am on trial

A trial I feel I am losing

The penalty is huge, I am falsely accused

Dejection has crawled under my skin

I fight

I have no lawyer, I hold my own

My mind is blank, I have forgotten language

What is that word called? That which lets you off the hook if the other is kind

“Mercy!” I say.

“Dont let me be on trial.”

Its Just Me, Living on the edge


Is there a virtual hell?

Is hell just a room set on fire or is it a mental state of mind?

Have you been to hell?

I think I have.

I think I reside in it, every day, all day

And night

Sleep seems heavenly, until nightmares creep in

White light has gone out, now I see red

The flames licking away at the frames of my mind

Its a struggle, but nothing comes easy

Its hell to pay for that one thing

Its hell to hold the rope that cuts deep.

Light Bulb #2


I just realised that when I die, I will still be around in this blog. Dont worry! Not in a haunting way but in a very nice reminder sort of a thing.

My thoughts will stay alive, though they are not as great but mine nonetheless. I wont die in vain!

This blog is my legacy.

 

Missing Pieces


Walking, we have come far

Knowing this, a smile tugs at the corners of my mouth

But there are some missing pieces we lost

Along the way, more silence than comfort

More squirming than welcome

More dreading than most

Maybe it will get better, give it time, I say

But a tiny voice inside me says

What if it won’t stay?

It’s A Freak Show


Life doesn’t come with a dictionary

Try and find meaning if you can

You won’t find the diction.

Learn English to understand, life will provide instructions in French

Switch to French, and deception again!

Clueless, can’t walk away.

Making you look dumb, not understanding shit.

It’s a freak show surviving

A puppeteer, this life

Puppets in the circus, we juggle with survival.

 

 

 

I Can Do It


Tell me “no”, I will come up with many reasons for you to say yes.

Its not easy being me

Undermined at every step of the way

A reminder. I am this for I chose it.

Not the other way around

You say I cannot make it

But I will prove you wrong, just because you said it

Logic is what you say it is, evidence in front of your eyes

But the more you repress, the more it brews

Defying logic, giving it a new meaning

You will see when I defy your logic

About me. I can do it.

Watch me.

 

 

It’s Fantastically Sarcastic


If you ask me about life, I’d say mine is bored with me. If my own life can be bored enough to repeat the same episodes that I have already watched , what can I expect of the people around me? I expect shit loads of things from people and it is unfair on them. Its unfair on me too. And there you have the equation of life.

Give your 100% and thats the end of the story. But what if you do and the people around you dont acknowledge that. What then? Do you pack up your bags and just flee?

No

You say, “its okay. Lets try again.” This time they will get it right. Does it happen? No.

What do you do? Make a fool out of yourself by spending too much, drowning in your own mess.

Smart move.

After you die from the fiasco, you rise like the phoenix bird from the ashes. Then you decide to move on to another world. Does life let you do that?

No.

What do you do instead?

Run away from the shadows of the pasts. The ghosts never leave us. They follow where we go. We sleep and they entertain us as nightmares.

Freud was right to some level. Sigmund Freud had it clear when he wrote the “theory of dreams” and said that the repressed thoughts always find a way to come to the surface.

That explains my nightmares so well. I was always confused about why I was being tormented in that way.

Its my fault. I need therapy.

I am crazy. Dont listen to me.

On that sickly note, I end my sermon.

Goodnight.

Sweet Dreams ( irony of life)

Crap and loads more 


For everything that I want in life, I must struggle for it. Nothing comes easy. Hey, I am not being self indulgent here. I know it’s true. I have my whole life as proof to present. I am sick and tired of fighting all the time. I just want it to end. I want what I want with a struggle but not having the thing even after the struggle is what kills me. I am okay making efforts because hey everyone makes efforts. But they get what they want! I don’t. I end up with empty hands and a fake smile so as not to spread the misery. People around me are happy. I am happy they are happy. What makes me miserable is that it’s the people I love who are not there to see my misery and I cannot be selfish to ruin their days. If not me, then somebody else. Even at my expense. Maybe I am okay with it too. But maybe I am not. I just need to get it together but no matter how hard I try, it always comes down to this “you are not the only one who has problems”. If I don’t tell you, who do I tell when I clearly see that you don’t want to listen. And so i stay quiet. 

Silence won’t hurt you. It will only eat me alive. 


I fell into the void 

Or so it felt, somewhere I got lost 

Torn away, different paths. 

I struggle to keep you in sight 

I wear spectacles and all 

The farther I go, the more distant you seem 

Smaller and smaller 

Smiling that beautiful smile of yours 

My heart melts and I say “I will fight; fight for that smile!” 

I shout, try to wade towards you 

To make you appear clear to me 

Hoping you are glad to see me. 

Rain Drop


I went down to the fairy shop

And asked for a pair of wings

She asked me to find the perfect rain drop

As price for the pair of wings

So my little feet carried me along the road

Searching for the perfect rain drop

Staring at the clouds floating above

I prayed for the perfect rain drop.

 

I do not know whether she found it or not. She needs the rain drop to get the wings so she can fly away but she cant find it. Till then she is stuck. Just like me.

Stuck in the mud pool

Feet all dirty, no will to get up

Just stay in the mess, waiting for the courage to get up

 

 

Walls


Around me, left, right and above

Walls

Call it ceiling, holding the fan

Moving.

Round and round.

I look. Nay, I stare.

It torments me; the same old motion drives me crazy.

I try to hold on to the calmer thoughts but the more I think, the more I lose it

Eyes move down to the walls again. Its abstract. The pink makes me nauseous.

What is it? The cause. I need to get out but get out where?

It slippery and I lose focus. The world blurs around my head and I feel the sense of drowning

I can’t breathe but I just think its me.

Walls crashing down around me, over me.

I see no one and no one knows where I stand

I no longer stand. I fall.

Like those pink walls.

 

Like Reality


If ever were I to tell, it may sound unreal

But that’s how I feel, so it exists

In my mind, like reality.

Pulsing, blood gushing in my arteries

Panic.

Am I running in circles or it’s just a different milestone?

Goals to achieve, I agree.

But why am I drowning?

 

 

Wishful Thinking 


  
This is my boat. Wherever I go, I make this boat. The reason that I used to do that is I know how to make paper boats but that’s about it. Now I have a reason. And honestly, the second reason isn’t something I want to talk about. It grows darker as we go. So let’s stay in the light. 

We had an event through dineout which is an app for which I am interning. The event was about food bloggers coming to give tips on how to make one. It wasn’t really interesting. I was way ahead than th rest of them in understanding blogging. I still have a long way to go though. It just made me realise how far this blog has come with me. It has grown with me. 

It’s an extension of me. 

Decay


Every year that passes by

Brings in a load of memories marked by days on the calendar next to my bed.

2010.

But each year, it grows dull.

And duller, it grows.

It’s like a decaying apple

The stench is strong, the year progresses and so does the decay

Of memories of a past, long gone.