Sunsets


As days draw to a close, you pick up an axe and cut off the moments loose

One by one, minutes drop dead, the Sun begins to melt into the horizon

An embrace witnessed by the world, a union everyone looks forward to

Surviving another day, comforting blanket of the night welcomed

Scatter across, hide, withdraw from company, it is a cue

A beautiful reminder that every day shall come to pass, no matter how hard, no matter how happy.

Sunsets.

For me


I try and I fail to hold my head high

Ashamed of my misery, I hide from the world, the scars you gave me

The scars are ugly, painful reminders of betrayal for opportunity

To walk away, to set yourself free with my shame and sorrow, colour your canvas bright

Hold the light aloft from my core to colour the sky blue

While I crouch in the dark, clutching my sides

Eyes closed, head bowed, I sing songs of longing

For peace, for me.

An Old Wound


I close my eyes and feel you alive, by my side, holding my hand

Just there, for me to see and sigh in relief

If only you’d known, if only you had realised that this was something more

Darker than the dark, dingy Delhi sky I endured for years

It was more than those fries I used to have, replacing the love by warm hugs

More than the struggle of the last leaf of the tree, in Autumn

I was more than what you made me

And I was not enough either, incomplete, not whole.

Like a wound, I was left by to bleed and suck out the life within.

Divine


I write about pain, I weave words and describe sorrow

Yours and mine. I carry the burden of words and you carry the burden itself.

It’s not mine alone, you are along, riding the wave.

Together, I say, what plagues our hearts in distress

My story and yours, it’s one poem long, with twists and turns and some heart burns

We look at our own sides of the coin and wish for the other to hold

But there is no coin, there is no me and there is no you

No comfort, no relief from the pain so I write about pain, yours and mine.

To connect together, and find what we can call divine.

Dead land


I’m hurt because of your combat boots stomping on me.

I’m dying because you are choking me. I’m choking because of the blood everywhere.

I heard that Dal is sad these days.

There is no shikara to sooth the calm surface of water, now just tears.

Dead are the trees, corpses refusing to sway with the wind

Like a sensual dance in the spring

No longer do the weavers weave stories of times long gone

When some habba khatoon used to sing on a window sill for a long lost past

Forgotten. Amid the guns and the pellets, among the shrieks of those standing guard against infiltration

Those brave souls, weak bodies falling, one by one.

Breaking mentally, every child of trauma raises his or her head

Summers gone dry, the rivers cry

What has happened to my land, now that it is dead.

Mix.


Call me back, and I will come, I think. I say this to myself in depths of desparity.

Don’t call me back, because I know I will come, I say this to you in moments of sorrow

Heartbreak is painful, the courage it takes

Survival.

Waiting for the call, something you know will hurt you, make you crumble and yet you wait. Wait for your destruction.

Someday, maybe, a hello.

A note, a smile that was missing from the past times

Kehna asaan nahi hai, par sach hona bhi utna zaroori nahi hai

Hona hota, ho chuka hota, hona nahi hai, tou kehna hi kyu hai

Dabaye hain awaaz halak se na uthe

Shakal tumhari aankhon se na hate

Zaroorat nahi hai tumhari iss zindagi ke baki kuch dinon mai

Bas yunhi pal, pal mere tumhari yaad mai hi Kate.

Mushkil hai, kaha tha tumne kisi roz shayad

Dard hota hai, bataya tha, jataya tha, kuch kaha tou tha

Cheekhon ki aadh main bhool si gayi

Iss dil ke dard mai, kho si gayi

I don’t remember your pain which seems more whimsical today

Was it a ruse? A ploy to make me a fool?

I guess it doesn’t matter, it’s all in the past for us to worry about on our death beds

Today, we rejoice for the misery is very much alive, pulling at the threads of my feeble heart.

Life of a flower


It’s not prudent to tell people how you feel. While for you it’s honesty, for someone it’s a weapon to exploit.

I do not mean here that it happens every time, but yes, it happens.

We’ve all been through it in some way or the other.

I lie about my emotions now, even to myself. The power of convincing myself about something I do not believe in has helped me in living a lie. A comfortable lie for my mental well-being.

I am not mentally well, I have issues. I am more morbid and pessimistic than the next person.

And I never see that the glass is half full. And that is okay.

It is okay if I am the way I am. I do not need anyone to make me feel guilty about it or make me apologise for something I cannot be.

I have had a difficult life and I am not embarassed by being acceptable of the misery which made me what I am today.

Some days, the Sun never sets and the day continues into another hour and another

Those days I live in oblivion, hoping that the second blink could be the last and I would drift off to sleep

Could cut off the buzz, the unease, the brutality within my own

Some days, the Sun never rises and I am engulfed in the darkness

Moon, I have never seen the goddess grace me with her silvery light

Butterflies come and go, and I stay still, watching.

I turn to the Sun and it’s rays and hope never to wither away

I’m not mad at you


When I say this to someone, they say thank you and walk away

Guilt-free and light

When I expect someone to forgive me, I am judged.

I’m mad at you. You’re not what we want you to be. I will judge you for who you are

And I smile and I smile and I smile with my burdened heart, thinking that maybe I give away too much of me

“I’m not mad at you!” I wish you’d say it, anyone!

Say it. Mean it for me so I can sleep guilt-free

My heart is burdened, my eyes are tired and my mind is buzzing with voices I cannot drown

I’m not mad at you. I’m not anything really.

An empty shell of a person, left alone in a desert, tending to her burnt feet.

I left


You will find me in the crevices of your mind, when you think of me in the lonely times of your life

But you won’t find me at the gate, waiting for you with a frown on my face because you were late.

Because I left.

Parting


I wish we’d said kinder words before parting

Said thoughts we’d been thinking, building up in our minds while listening

About parting, farewells, goodbye notes and everything

I wish we’d had that last hug, lived a lifetime in a moment of bliss

Held on to the last thread of peace, we found within

Together we could’ve woven a warm, comfortable blanket

In the cold weather of harsh winds

I wish we’d held hands, and stopped each other from turning away

Made our feet stop and hold the ground for us to stay.

I’m leaving


The corner where you last saw me, I am leaving it behind

The last look, the last straw that was, I am leaving it behind

A few drawings, few writing, baubles, and memories, I am leaving it all behind

I am turning the page, I am driving away, I am taking the blind curve

And never looking back.

If ever you venture into what I call is abandonment zone, I won’t be there.

Reminds me of a song long forgotten

Call me a thousand times but I am lost to you.

I am leaving you behind, I am leaving everything behind.

Trauma


It isn’t something that just happened to you

Trauma, it is not something you lay there for everyone to see

It’s a business of closed doors, it’s a parade of darkness and denial

Trauma, you feel it, you snap like a rubber band, recoiling inside

Like a snake curls up when it feels what snaky beings feel

Like the panda, who faces the wall, alone when sad.

Sad.

Sad becomes your new smile

You wear it every day, sometimes even in your reflection just to rid your face of the frown

The frown you’ve been wearing since forever

The ugly head of the fears you suppress, you don’t have time to open that box of worms

The fears spring out at you right when you’re about to fall into the abyss called sleep

And sleep alludes you.

Then begins the struggle to fall into nothingness, some relief

You are denied even that, because ofcourse, your trauma

It’s a living thing, growing inside you, taking away your will to live.

And all you do is smile that sad smile to replace the frown to keep people at bay

Denial. Distraction.

The trauma is drama, they say and walk away

You try to pretend, you try to hide further into your corner and still they leave

You’re too much to handle, a reality that they are not aware of yet

And yet you’re blamed and left alone.

Thats your trauma. Loneliness and abandonment as you try to smile to replace the frown to keep the questions at bay.