Somehow Seen


Somehow she managed to smile, to look peaceful on the outside when there was a war inside.

Somehow she made everyone’s day while hers had been marked dead, made them smile while it had been ages since she had smiled herself.

Somehow she pulled herself together when she was broken to pieces just to save others from falling apart, to make them strong, to help them hold on.

Somehow she lived each day with people who would never miss her other than the time when they needed her.

Somehow she still  lived with the truth that people only took advantage of her patience and perseverance. She still managed not to appear hurt and smile throughout.

Somehow the person who smiled and smiled, didnt feel the tears leaking from her eyes. No one saw those tears.

No one.

But me.

When I saw her tears, I fell to my knees.

Her tears were pure, they were real

She was hurt and in pain

No one saw her, no one knew her

They all claimed to be her friend but she was alone and no one realised that

Pity on her. Shame on them

When I saw her tears, my heart broke.

My pain was so sharp but it was a fraction of her pain which touched me

I died a little inside knowing her struggles, her hurdles

The sorrows she beared, the pains she took

The walk she walked, the talks she talked!

I couldnt see her this way and I turned away

Leaving her with the black shadows

Somehow she managed to live in them

Somehow she managed to remain unseen

To stay hidden

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Not Me


I see the world through a veil 

A dark cloud with more dark clouds

No opening, no silver lining

I feel the presence of my former self

Emboldened by darkness, hidden by light

I see you follow me, a wrong decision indeed

I see the depth and not the beauty 

I feel the air but not purity 

This could go on and on

How long are you willing to be strong 

For I am leading you to destruction 

My destruction leading to yours

So let me go and let me be 

Take a turn, down the road 

And never look back at me 

For my path is lit with lights 

Leading and guiding me to unknown heights 

Madness


The madness is on its peak 

There is nothing that will make me believe

That love exists, that there is triumph 

That people win, that they rejoice in others victory

That they still think of others 

That they still prefer to give others better than their own

That they still hold their ground

That they dont fall or die from the load 

That there still is comradeship 

That people still value friendship 

NOthing, nothing will make me believe 

That what we live is true 

That what we have is real 

That we are not just helpless hounds 

That we all have a heart, still pure 

Nothing will make me believe 

No matter how much as my madness is on its peak

I am done and resolved 

That I shun this world 

The people who reside here 

All are liars, the lot of them 

Nothing will ever make me believe.

Not the red glare of the setting sun

Not the bright moon with its poise

Not the brilliant blue sky 

Neither the ever stretching horizon.

Nothing will ever make me believe 

That there is something real other than my madness 

 

Carpenter’s Dilemma


Carving his way through a big chunk of wood

Call it chunk now, If you must 

By the time the carpenter was through with it

It was anything but a chunk of wood

Chink, Chink as he worked his way 

Breaking, smoothing, perfecting

Each blow on the chisel, one step to triumph 

A frown, then satisfaction

An uncertainty, then a smile for a fraction

Hands rough, skin cracked

His devotion to his work, quite  

Something has him held, something he cannot see

Feels it as he stares at his nearly done work

Where would he find the missing piece?

How would he make it complete?

 

Daddy’s Promises Left Unsaid


Today is 23rd July, 2013. It is Er. Shakeel Ahmad Salman’s 18th death anniversary today. He died in the year 1995, the year I was born. He was 35 when he was killed. I wont reveal the circumstances of his death since we live in a disputed area and I dont want to end up in jail for that. So on his death anniversary, I would like to remember him and tell you what he really was. How much his death affected our family. How much we all miss him and even after 18 years, we still feel his absence.

He was my maternal Uncle. Even though I never got the chance to meet him, I have the deepest regard, love and respect for him. That is because my mother who was quite attached to him used to tell me about him. She remembers almost everything that she shared with him. He was called as ‘shakujaan’ at home. He was an electrical engineer from REC, srinagar (now known as NIT-srinagar). He was quite accomplished in his job and was on his way to a higher success had fate not intervened.

The best part about all this was that my dad, Dr. Naseer Ahmad Laway was Shakujan’s best friend since college. I am not sure if they were together in school or not but they became best of chums in college. Then dad was married to mum and their friendship flourished. 

The photo below is of Shakujan (left) and my dad (right) and was taken on 22nd July, 1995. This is the last how Shakujan looked before he died. 

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Shakujan was an obedient son, a supportive brother, an amazing father. But the tragedy struck on this day, 18 years ago when he was killed and all his endeavors were left unfulfilled. When he died, he left behind a young wife and four kids. The youngest were twins and they had just turned two. I was 3 months old. It was the first and the hardest blow to my family. We never talk about it but we all know how much better it wouldve been if he’d been alive to see his kids grow up to become such fine, young people. It is sad he never got to buy them their 18th birthday present. He couldnt be there for their first bicycle ride. He couldnt be there when his son first learned to drive. He couldnt be there when they graduated from college. He couldnt see his twins starting their school. He missed it all and we were forced to do it all without him.  

Shakujan,

We all miss you and its still not enough

The longing for you, the pain of your absence

It was cruel and it was a tragedy 

Something which is hard to live with 

Time only shows us how much we missed 

How much we lost, how much we couldve gained

By your love, with your support 

We all miss you, even after all this time

We really do!

 

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Acceptance & Denial


Some might say and some might deny 

The power we feel, the pull of gravity 

Even in the dark times,

Somewhere 

A small flame burns,

Throughout 

The night and in the misty moon light,

Reflecting

Hope, life, a journey away from evil

Keeping the shadows at bay

The power which makes the flame

To revel in its purity

The supplier of wax and the oil

The sustaining power, the echo of which reflects the big bang

The pull of the moon

The waving of the waves, the sailing of the ships

The floating of the boats

The survivor’s unanswered prayer, the strength of the weak

The hope of the lost, their determination to return 

The power we feel, you all deny

Afraid of it, scared of the power 

Die you all cowards for not being able to see

The miracle of birth and the bluntness in death 

Pity yourselves and go live your worthless lives 

For you are nothing but burden, 

The burden to those who see.

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