Destructive Anger


I snatched the Hope from the top shelf and threw it hard on the floor of deceit
I watched as it broke into a million pieces and heard the smash vibrate through my heart
I then took my Faith out and let it fall with equal force on the floor of lies
It splintered and shattered and shards flew across the shiny surface
I looked at the pieces glinting in the dry sunlight like diamonds
Next were my dreams, my beliefs, my convictions.
The trust I proudly wore, I took it out and broke its core.
I did not cry, I did not mourn
I just kept smashing each and everything I owned
I shattered what I could shatter, I tore what I could tear
Looking at the bare shelves of trophies I used to display
Then at the pieces on the floor,  with dismay.
For there was nothing that I could do or say.

Don’t You Dare


The tears that fall, the feelings I feel
The uneasy uncertainty, the unfair deals
How can I hold on when you let go?
Long back in the past, when the time moved slow
I gave up, I turned myself in!
I couldn’t let go but somehow I did
I made up a sandcastle again, intricate and high
Don’t be the cruel wave wash it away
Turning it into a mound of wet sand
Drowning my castle in mud and merging it with water and land.
I was alone and I learned to live.
I lost everything and now I have nothing to give
So dont you dare destroy what I built
Out of my tears, my feelings in sand
With sun as company for you had gone away to sea.

16th May, 2014.


Today is a very sad day. Four years ago, on 16th May, 2010 at 10:45 pm to be exact, my father died. It was a heart stopping moment, something which happened in slow motion. It was like going into shock. It felt as if my whole existence was a lie now that dad was no more in existence. Once a person dies, everything about that person starts fading away. People mourn for a day or two but its the family which carries the burden of the loss. I carry that loss. Its been four years and it still feels like yesterday when they were taking him away. It still feels the same way every time I remember about dad.

It was any other rainy day for everyone who didnt know my dad. But for me, it was a glimpse of hell. My screams still echo in my ears. I screamed to drown the cries of others who were mourning for my father. As if they knew what I was feeling. As if anyone could ever know that they not only took the body of my father but also a part of my soul.

Dad was different. I am like him in so many ways. It makes me proud and it hurts me too. I dont really say it but I miss him every day. I feel more alone with each day passing. I miss dad a lot.

I wont write any poetry for him this year. He’s gone. My life is a consequence of his death.

I am experiencing mixed feelings today. This weekend is my sister’s wedding and its my dad’s death anniversary too. I am happy and sad too. I dont know what to feel so I will just cry a little and go to bed.

 

Unhappy Soul


Heavy heart, shallow breathing, a permanent scowl
Were you ever told about the Unhappy Soul?
The cries unheard, the stories untold
The secrets that never seem to unfold
Lives they live, like slaves to fate
Deprived of joy, troubles marring their spirits
No healing, no feeling
Just monotonous numbness, something to prolong
Hating every day they live, hating every night they sleep
The wounds too fatal, the scars too deep.
They see not the sun or its light
Not the blessing of a new day
Or the beauty of the oppotunities which they slay!
The dark they worship, the dark they trust.
The dark holds them in bondage, the dark does their brainwash
They see no joy, they make no merry.
Cynical they are, negative thoughts they carry.
Unhappy Souls live like a burden to their bodies
They have no wishes, they have no peace!

In The Middle Of The Night


In the middle of the night, when I cannot sleep
I remember you dearly, I miss you and I weep
I try to close my eyes, imagine your face
My mind comes up blank, my memories fade, leaving no trace.
In the middle of the night, I remember your death
Your pain comes alive while your face disappears
I search for you in the shadows
Every corridor of my dreams
For just a glimpse at midnight
To help me fall asleep.

In the middle of the night, your empty eyes haunt me
Those hopeless eyes, saddened by circumstances
I grasp my hands together, brace myself for the onslaught
I know its a rough night
So I weep while I try to sleep
In the middle of the night.

Deciding What We Deserve


I decide today.
You deserve nothing from me.
I deserve lonliness from you.
You can do as you please
If you want pain, give it with ease
But Let me be alone for I deserve solitude.
Bliss it is, if I dont see you.
Trust me when you talked of death in terms of my father
You lost all respect in my eyes
You dont deserve my respect
I dont deserve your faithless company
Keep your lies to yourself, your threats to you
For you dont deserve me and I dont deserve you.

It’s Not What It Looks Like


Its not as easy as I make it look, not as smooth

Its not what you think, this pretension of a life

I wait in the dark, I wait for light

I wait for you to end my plight.

 

Its not a bed of roses, this life

Its more of a walk among the thorns, barefoot

Each prick that I endure, each drop of blood that spills

Its not what it seems to be, its just my blood singing

Singing to the rhythm of your heartbeat.

 

Its not what it looks like, floating over clouds

I just lost my way while looking for your fate

I seem at my leisure while I drown inside

I suffocate while it seems I enjoy the stroll.

 

Arduous as it is, I am still glad it is!

The pain, a reminder!

Cloudy mist, soothing my nerves

The wind, caressing with a touch

So soft, a slap

To wake, not stop.

I seem to never be through

The invisible ties that lead me to you!

I Am Not A Sadist


Though there are loops and there are holes, dim light and more shadowy corners. I still smile and laugh and breathe. I may be pretending more but I dont lie. If I am well, I say I am well. If I feel sick of smiling, I wont smile. My smile is genuine and I smile only when I want to which is rarely. So don’t say I am a sadist for I look reasons to be happy. It is an entirely different question that life hardly gives an opportunity. I am not a sadist. I just look at life from everyone’s perspective and write about it. Its not that I am always crying in a corner. I don’t cry unless it is something really saddening.

So don’t think I am a sadist. I am not.

Need For Solitude


I tried my luck, I made some friends.

I thought it was okay to let my feelings known.

I said it out loud every time, I made it clear every time

What I felt, what I believed.

I said it then, I say it now

But its unbelievable to those who are my friends

A little bit of trust they cannot invest

I am an independent quantity

I don’t need company

I am better off alone than being falsely accused

There is a need for solitude in me

A need to find myself under the load of blames and lies

Solitude is bliss, 

Something that I had heard and now I know.

I will fade and forever leave,

Hastily in to the darkness unseen

Around the world If you turn to find me

To bring me back to you

Even if you do it again and again

You will face emptiness and silence

Over everything that once was mine

Until you give up and let me go.

 

 

Heigh-ho! sing,…


Heigh-ho! sing, heigh-ho! unto the green holly:
Most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly:
Then heigh-ho, the holly!
This life is most jolly

From William Shakespeare’s Poem “Blow Blow Thou Winter Wind”.

Quite thoughtful.

Pitiful State


I thought it over and I thought again

So many people labelled me so

I wonder why?

Do they not like my answers?

Or do I not say what they want to hear?

I hurt and I grieve that I have to prove

Everytime!

That the voice is true, what I say is true!

Why dont you believe me?

Why is it that you dont trust me?

Am I not good enough?

Do I not deserve a benefit of doubt?

I would say all this out loud

But all you would say is “Dont lie!”

Now the voice just died inside, It will never be heard again.

Ended yet another day, another flaw in my plan

I am not a liar, I say

You dont believe me,

So I save it for another day.

I let you shout and I let you growl

I will not be there to hear your scorn

You dont belive me, you can simply get up and leave.

Leave for good.

Again & Again


Everyday is a struggle, the first attempt always futile.
I try once, I roll the die
It doesnt strike six, never the first time.
I do it all over again. It doesnt work.
My hope shatters, I almost give up.
Then a voice in my head says
Just one more and we are done!
Thats when I roll my die again.
It strikes a six!
I get what I want but not without breaking the first time!

Musings


There was a whisper. If she hadn’t been listening for so long, she wouldn’t have heard it. The whisper was fading. It was like the voice was moving away. She couldn’t just stand there. She knew it would be foolish but she still felt her feet drag on the forest floor, crunching the dried up leaves as she stepped on them. The crunching sound seemed to be so loud in the darkness that she stopped. She strained to hear more but no sound was heard. The wind was dead. Not even a single leaf was ruffling on the trees. The moribund autumn was giving way to cold chilly evenings.

She decided to return to her warm hut as the chill finally reached her through her layer of clothes. She turned around and went back the way she had come. But her mind was with the whisper of her name in the darkness. She did not know why she had come out of the hut at this hour. It was like someone was calling her. It seemed a good idea then to go out for a walk. Strange!

She kept walking silently till she saw the tiny lights of her hut where she lived these days. It wasn’t much but it was home. There was still one place where she didnt feel afraid. The huge fireplace, built for cooking in the old times was so comforting. She used to sleep in front of it in winter. She shuddered as she felt the chills again running down her back.

Finally, she reached her hut. She opened the wooden door and felt the heat coming from the fire she had lit at the time of dusk. She smiled and closed the door behind her.

It wasn’t much of a life that she had wanted for herself but she was happy.