I wrote this piece years ago and while I was going through my drafts, I found it. Wow. It has actually been quite a long journey since 2003.
Today I want to confess something which I had buried deep inside my heart. It is a memory, a very painful one.
Let me take you back to the time when I was in 4th standard section B. My form teacher was a very good teacher when it came to academics. I respect her equally today as I did when she was my form teacher.
I used to write from a very young age especially poetry and I had started developing a little confidence in my writing. Just as a 11 year old would be excited to know what others thought of her writing, I was also excited. Since a teacher is the epitome of intelligence for a young mind, I thought I would show my teacher my poems and she would tell me where I stand.
So I went upto her table, kept my copy in front of her and told her that I wrote it. I still remember that she read two lines and started laughing. She threw my copy across the table at me, laughed in my face and said ” yeh kaun pade ga?”
Imagine my shock, disappointment and hurt that my teacher, my idol said such harsh words to me, a 11 year old child.
Dejected and discouraged, I thought that my teacher was right. I didnt know how to write and so as a result, I stopped writing.
But I started writing again in my 6th standard. And went on progressing thanks to certain teachers ( whom I wont mention as I dont want to compare my teachers. I love and respect each one who has ever taught me), I got better and better.
That memory faded from my conscience mind but was resurfaced a few days ago due to an incident which I will share in my next confession.
This memory hit me so hard right now. And it made me cry. Today I would like to tell her that despite being a good teacher, she failed to be my guardian, my guide. She failed me at a time when i needed her support the most. She broke the heart of a small child who wanted nothing but appreciation from her. It wouldnt have hurt to just pat me on my back and say “you can do better”. I swear it wouldve made my day. But no, you were bitter and cruel. You gave me a scar that I will carry for the rest of my life.
I used to look up to you
Yet You failed me.
You were my idol
Yet you crushed my hopes when I was a child.
I write to console my heart, that cries foul in the face of adversity
That knows that life is limitless and unfair throughout
Dragging through the rung, the mud, I wish to learn a lesson or two
But what for, if my final destination is death itself?
What do I strive for but gentle, supportive company
To hold hands with, while sitting in the waiting room.
I am waiting for my calling, but I am restless too.
Words are over my head and my writing is leaving me behind
Everyone is leaving me behind.
I may be a bit slow but God knows I try
I always have, to match the pace
To turn the corner at the right time.
And yet I see you merging into horizon, some four and a half hours ahead of my sunset
And the internal struggle, to keep calm.
Nothing works. And so I write to calm my heart which cries foul at the adversity of life.
It’s a wide hole, left open by the absense
Of senses, of feelings and of everything that was you
Now there is infinite space, a space no one can fit in.
It’s a limbo, a giant churning gyre
Spinning head, I try to lower myself in
To decorate the gaps, with your memories
To fill the void, with my empty words and a wounded heart.
They kept saying it, everyday
And today I say it too.
Maybe it’s my high, maybe I get a kick from it
Maybe it’s my way of coping with my shit
I may be a succour for Pain, its my only companion
It’s what I feel, everyday
So when they said, I agreed.
I don’t know how to lie in bed and pretend I am comfortable
I do not know how to say I am okay when I am not
But here I am, living it, faking it.
That it is all okay!
I will use that exclamation mark here, I will
For I am tired, and I want to scream and I can’t
So all I have are the punctuations to iterate what the f*** is going on.
I fake it, it won’t be true, and I would be lying
But somebody would get a good sleep out of my lie
I am okay with that too. On my conscience, so be it.
Lets be abstract and say I am a wall, I am wall that is being pushed
I am not going to budge, but I can break.
And I will crumble, and how majestic will be the fall
From grace. That too my friend, will be a fake.
I live the lie, Damnit, I am the lie.
When in doubt, take a pen and a blank page and you’ll know.
You got the sunny days and I have the sleepless nights
You took the light, cradled me in the dusky plight
You got the best of the best, and I got not one dime of the rest
Your fate is kind, mine is a torpedo
Tearing me apart, as I watch you float seven seas away.
It’s the end of an era, and yet the long night doesn’t seem to pass
I want to brave the storm I feel inside, to be more than what I am, for you
But the smiles, the talks, the laughs fade away with the thoughts that this is how it will stay
In the agony of the moment, sleep seems far away for what is closer to me now
But this dark, dull night, keeping me warm in the lofty flame of the past.