Mix.


Call me back, and I will come, I think. I say this to myself in depths of desparity.

Don’t call me back, because I know I will come, I say this to you in moments of sorrow

Heartbreak is painful, the courage it takes

Survival.

Waiting for the call, something you know will hurt you, make you crumble and yet you wait. Wait for your destruction.

Someday, maybe, a hello.

A note, a smile that was missing from the past times

Kehna asaan nahi hai, par sach hona bhi utna zaroori nahi hai

Hona hota, ho chuka hota, hona nahi hai, tou kehna hi kyu hai

Dabaye hain awaaz halak se na uthe

Shakal tumhari aankhon se na hate

Zaroorat nahi hai tumhari iss zindagi ke baki kuch dinon mai

Bas yunhi pal, pal mere tumhari yaad mai hi Kate.

Mushkil hai, kaha tha tumne kisi roz shayad

Dard hota hai, bataya tha, jataya tha, kuch kaha tou tha

Cheekhon ki aadh main bhool si gayi

Iss dil ke dard mai, kho si gayi

I don’t remember your pain which seems more whimsical today

Was it a ruse? A ploy to make me a fool?

I guess it doesn’t matter, it’s all in the past for us to worry about on our death beds

Today, we rejoice for the misery is very much alive, pulling at the threads of my feeble heart.

Life of a flower


It’s not prudent to tell people how you feel. While for you it’s honesty, for someone it’s a weapon to exploit.

I do not mean here that it happens every time, but yes, it happens.

We’ve all been through it in some way or the other.

I lie about my emotions now, even to myself. The power of convincing myself about something I do not believe in has helped me in living a lie. A comfortable lie for my mental well-being.

I am not mentally well, I have issues. I am more morbid and pessimistic than the next person.

And I never see that the glass is half full. And that is okay.

It is okay if I am the way I am. I do not need anyone to make me feel guilty about it or make me apologise for something I cannot be.

I have had a difficult life and I am not embarassed by being acceptable of the misery which made me what I am today.

Some days, the Sun never sets and the day continues into another hour and another

Those days I live in oblivion, hoping that the second blink could be the last and I would drift off to sleep

Could cut off the buzz, the unease, the brutality within my own

Some days, the Sun never rises and I am engulfed in the darkness

Moon, I have never seen the goddess grace me with her silvery light

Butterflies come and go, and I stay still, watching.

I turn to the Sun and it’s rays and hope never to wither away

I’m not mad at you


When I say this to someone, they say thank you and walk away

Guilt-free and light

When I expect someone to forgive me, I am judged.

I’m mad at you. You’re not what we want you to be. I will judge you for who you are

And I smile and I smile and I smile with my burdened heart, thinking that maybe I give away too much of me

“I’m not mad at you!” I wish you’d say it, anyone!

Say it. Mean it for me so I can sleep guilt-free

My heart is burdened, my eyes are tired and my mind is buzzing with voices I cannot drown

I’m not mad at you. I’m not anything really.

An empty shell of a person, left alone in a desert, tending to her burnt feet.

Parting


I wish we’d said kinder words before parting

Said thoughts we’d been thinking, building up in our minds while listening

About parting, farewells, goodbye notes and everything

I wish we’d had that last hug, lived a lifetime in a moment of bliss

Held on to the last thread of peace, we found within

Together we could’ve woven a warm, comfortable blanket

In the cold weather of harsh winds

I wish we’d held hands, and stopped each other from turning away

Made our feet stop and hold the ground for us to stay.

I’m leaving


The corner where you last saw me, I am leaving it behind

The last look, the last straw that was, I am leaving it behind

A few drawings, few writing, baubles, and memories, I am leaving it all behind

I am turning the page, I am driving away, I am taking the blind curve

And never looking back.

If ever you venture into what I call is abandonment zone, I won’t be there.

Reminds me of a song long forgotten

Call me a thousand times but I am lost to you.

I am leaving you behind, I am leaving everything behind.

Trauma


It isn’t something that just happened to you

Trauma, it is not something you lay there for everyone to see

It’s a business of closed doors, it’s a parade of darkness and denial

Trauma, you feel it, you snap like a rubber band, recoiling inside

Like a snake curls up when it feels what snaky beings feel

Like the panda, who faces the wall, alone when sad.

Sad.

Sad becomes your new smile

You wear it every day, sometimes even in your reflection just to rid your face of the frown

The frown you’ve been wearing since forever

The ugly head of the fears you suppress, you don’t have time to open that box of worms

The fears spring out at you right when you’re about to fall into the abyss called sleep

And sleep alludes you.

Then begins the struggle to fall into nothingness, some relief

You are denied even that, because ofcourse, your trauma

It’s a living thing, growing inside you, taking away your will to live.

And all you do is smile that sad smile to replace the frown to keep people at bay

Denial. Distraction.

The trauma is drama, they say and walk away

You try to pretend, you try to hide further into your corner and still they leave

You’re too much to handle, a reality that they are not aware of yet

And yet you’re blamed and left alone.

Thats your trauma. Loneliness and abandonment as you try to smile to replace the frown to keep the questions at bay.