I know nothing


I know nothing of romance, no heart beats, no violins

But, I know little of flowers, petals in my diary, withered but close

I know nothing of the yearning of a lost beloved

But, I know the pain of separation, the uneasy frame of mind

I know nothing of the mourning that comes with parting ways

But, I know a little about the tears which come over a fond memory

I know nothing of love

But, I know a little of sacrifice for the other to suffice

I know nothing of proof of fealty

And yet I know little of faith, a little of loyalty

A little of you, and a little bit about me.

Question


What do you look like nowadays?

Are you still the same, or have you changed

Morphed into someone I cannot recognise, out of sync

Is your smile same as what I remember, will it stop my heart just the same?

Do my memories do justice to your face, your warm embrace?

Mind refuses to make new faces, its stuck with you in my past

Holding on to numbered days, like weed in a dirty pond

Do your fingers still have the electric touch, that I felt once?

The curve of your smile, the sharp dip of your chin

The wavy hair, moving in the wind, is it all the same?

Or have you changed, leaving me a companion called pain?

For Now


Now is not the time to brood over what could be

For what could be, shall not come to pass today

Its time to turn the page, and take what I have

In the moment, I failed

And I failed again today.

Walls


I may have written too much about those walls

Walls that I have felt for a long time

Around me, limiting me, ageing me

Beyond my years, as my vision is blocked

To see what lies ahead, if I could just budge

And the walls wouldn’t budge, as I push forward

Once, I talked about those walls for reasons I have forgotten

Now, the walls have my attention again

For I am being kept apart from everything I love

Walls, hold me tight, never let me go

Like lover, like a guide

I know not to move, until the walls tell me to move

Walls, walls, walls, are they brick red or just walls over my head

Eyes cannot see, but my body can feel

The walls.

I want reciprocity


Its a two way street, there is two of us

Moving ahead, even if not together, but marching on

Leaning on, finding solace in the dark

Lighting the way, its how it should be

Reciprocity

No conditions in love, I agree

But no response, from the other side can wan the Moon of your dreams

Deadbeat, wall-like, careless if you can be

Its another word for doom, a word being used liberally

Reciprocate, so I know you’re still here

If not here, still here, around me, thinking of me

Reciprocate, so I know I am not the only fool

Giving away the prime of my years for one who is absent

In my life, but dominates my mind

Mind is fickle, its heart that latches on until the veins are full

So reciprocate, for me, so I know we are walking together

With hope to find each other again.

Happy Birthday, Shifa


Its another year gone by, loneliness isn’t going anywhere

I wish I could go back, to a simpler life

Where I was who I am, and no one would know me

Its a wish that you be happy, its a wish that you smile

No one will make you feel special, so the pleasure is all mine

Laugh, smile and go with it, for you are your own wind

Under the wings, soaring to the sky

To an old age, one step at a time.

Drag


The monotonous drag

Shit, the every day routine

I wouldn’t have minded

But its eating away my time too

Fuck, shit, shit, shit, shit, the headache

The dry eyes, the painful blink,

Forgotten meals, forgotten self

Fuck, fuck, fuck

Did not sign up for this.

Shit, shit, shit, fuck, shit

More shit, as if I care

Now I really don’t

I was not born to be sacrificed at your altar

Fuck, fuck, fuck, find my release

I want a way out, dont take my time

Its yet to ripe

Shit, shit, shit, I am losing myself

In something I do not care

But its just one day, and No was all they could say

Did I sell my soul when I signed up?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, I am lost today, fuck

Fuck, shit, shit, shit, shit

I want out.

Hell


Eyes tell lies, and mind still denies

How I wish I could wake up now

And see the world upright

Its not easy being trapped

In a whirlpool of one’s own making

To try to break free, but weak is the will

Denial is the bitch in my life story

So my eyes lie to me, so the heart survives another day

My mind denies the world to me, so I can sleep another night

Waiting for the emails that will never come

Walking towards the Oasis that is not there

Sand and sand keeps rolling in the glass, as time deceives too

So my eyes lie and my mind denies

Me the reality which I need to escape

The hell of my making.

Lesson for life


Nothing teaches you

More than the day

When he says

That his bags are packed

For an adventure

That he needs to go

On a certain, random, boring day.

That day, the bubble

That grew around you burst

And down you went

Crashing on to the hard floor

A sickening smash

Of hope and bones

A lesson for life, learnt.

From the archives


February, 2016

With you, life was a little better

A little less effort, a little less hard work

With you, there was a definition of joy

Many smiles, happiness in our hearts

Darkness has descended in that house of yours

The inmates turned out

Silence speaks for the deserted rooms

But your grey coat, which always suited you, still smells of you.

https://shifanaseerpoems.wordpress.com/2016/02/14/15th-february-specific-thoughts/

Absence


Do I hear the voice in my head, who says be sane

Sanity? But why? Your words drive me crazy

Thats why. So do I hear what the voice says, or do I listen to you

Your words, your words, have a meaning?

Its lost on me, if there is one at all.

I feel the absence. The utter need to want and you say its okay.

Its okay, so please understand.

And I try, I try and your words lose all meaning

Your absence starts making sense, there is a reason?

Tell me more, but its just that your words

Have no meaning left at all

I just understand the absence, the hole voluntarily made, the carving of my face

So, taking comfort in the fact that you like the absence

But your words, lose all meaning on me.

Its the absence which you understand more than me.

Rumble like clouds


One drizzly afternoon, ever so scared, stood my conscience

On a stool, by the window, watching over the sky

More like grey, shiny, clouds with a slight spark

A spark, that lit the damp world, ever so slightly

Rumble like the clouds, you once saw

And remembered, and branded onto your memories

Light up the world, for you are the silver lining

Too much optimism does not suit my fancy

Its okay, my imagination is not rusty yet

I have yet to spin a few lies, stories, maybe a limerick or two

For I am lonely, without you.

Fatigue


Its a dull rhythm, silently crawling up my spine

Yes, I still have one, yet for what purpose, I do not know

I break the lines often, and call it a poem

When its just a bunch of words, woven together in paradox

Call me brutal, call me mean, that’s all you are ever going to get from me

I have dullness, I have fatigue, I have everything I could ever need

Whining is my comfort, fries my warm hugs

My bed is my refuge, and Big Bang Theory on the loop

World is weary of my antics, I fight to find my discourse

Tags, and specifics, what analysis is this shit

Its my life, welcome, make yourself comfortable on the messy couch

Bread crumbs, and rolled up tissue, I am as crinkly as I have ever been

For fatigue runs deep within me, I have a safe haven for a month or two

Then I go adrift the ocean blue, cross all the borders for there is nothing here, left to do.

Dream a new dream


Total pity, I felt today, a breach in my guard was wide today

Cared to tell anyone, little would they understand

Like the light who lost the way back to the Sun

Like a lily, without the swan petals, cascading down the stem

Mind you, I would’ve said, its been years, oh its been ages

Nothing comes out, no voice, no scream unless its my heart beating

If you would only stop and listen to the erratic breathing that you would know how I feel under the garb of pretension that I am not okay.

I haven’t been okay for a long time,

And its the loss of a loved one that snuffs out the light in you, for they were the source of something beautiful in you

Now, you are lost, broken and depressing to others who do not have a hole punched through them

Its good, I am alone in this hell, it means that no one I know, knows what it is to burn and breathe in a world where you do not get to say, Dad.