The Department Trip, 2016

I am back! It was amazing, sort of Utopia. I didn’t take my watch or used my phone. The timelessness that it brought on was something I have no words to describe. The two days just flew away like … crazy!!!! I made new friends on this trip and experienced new experiences.

The starry nights made my soul feel peace, the actual peace that I was longing for, writing about in my poetry. I felt that peace, that positivity. I was with my friends away from the social setup that we have built for ourselves which binds us, holding us as hostages. For once, I didnt feel like running. Instead I just wanted to sit and enjoy the weather, the sun, the stars, the wind and even the darkness. It wasnt anything new that I hadnt seen before but it was the idea of time lapse, like time stopped in that place. The days were too long, the nights were longer. Even the chill that I felt during the night was welcomed.

I am glad I went for this trip. It sort of changed me in a way I do not understand.

I have gained weight and so I have decided to work out a little and keep a check on my calorie intake. I dont mind being fat but I am chubby and that is something I do not want to be. Chubby cheeks are already in my genes. I do not wish to make them chubbier by being reckless with my diet.

Also, the monotonous life is back. Time again rules my life. I have to turn back to academic studies. Yea, back to reality!


That is me ( left), Siddharth (top), Ayushi (bottom) and Tushar (right).





Travel Anxiety

Every time I have to travel, I get this weird sensation in my stomach which I presume is the usual stomach ache. It has always been there like a stitch in my side and ruins the excitement by making room for anxiety. I am forgetful. Granted, I forget stuff and it is this anxiety which keeps me on my toes until I actually start my journey.

All day today, I was restless. I am all packed and have to leave in a couple of hours.

I will not be posting until Sunday when I come back from my trip. I will write an account of it here if I manage to remember the details.

Hoping it to go well.

Forever anxious,



No wonder I am sleep deprived. My nightmares are so consistent that they rob me of my sleep every night.  And some nights, they terrify me and I just sit up in bed and comtemplate life and how ugly nightmares make life and how scary and freakish it feels to be in one. At times, I dont even realise what time it is and randomly call friends or anyone to pick up so I could calm down. The panic attacks that follow the nightmares are worse. 

The visual torture it is. I just had another nightmare. When will it get over? 

Tiny Steps

Airah (my niece) took her first steps today and it made me realise how quickly time passes by. It seems only yesterday that she was born and I held her. I just feel so proud of her. I wish I could really see her walking in person. I am so happy right now that I cannot stop smiling!

All Over Again

The clouds start to fill the sky, and I
hear the thunder
roll across the sky and then I hear
the rain start to fall.
As I hear the rain drops start to fall I
think back to
all the pain I have been put through.
I have put my heart
back together piece by piece but the
memories are still there.
It’s been so long since I showed
anyone my feelings
because my heart is very vulnerable,
but now it has a different
feeling around you. With every touch
you make my body go numb,
no touch has ever been so wonderful,
with every look my heart
melts in the palm of your hand. On
this day I give my heart
to you, on this day I give my love to
you. I can look so deep
into your eyes it feels like your heart
is next to mine.
When I look into your eyes I can only
hope that it’s true.
I have searched a lifetime trying to
find someone like you.
I close my eyes and all I can see is
you. You gave my heart
a reason to care again. With a blink
of an eye, one look
from you sends me a feeling and I
hope it’s a feeling of love.
My life wasn’t complete until the day
that you walked in my life.
The clouds start to fill the sky and I
hear the thunder
roll across the sky and then I hear
the raindrops start
to fall. If only I knew what feelings
you have for me,
I could tell you that it’s real, the
feelings that we share.
You could spend a lifetime trying to
find someone like you,
that’s why I am glad that I found
you. I fell in love all
over again and I’ve fallen in love with
you. My heart is
yours from now till the end of time. I
just hope I can make
you mine before someone else steals
your heart away.


I found this in my drafts. The timeline shows its two years old and I realised I forgot to publish it, Now seriously, If anyone out there had any doubts about my memory issues, this ought to clear it away.

Happy Sunday!

Where No One Goes

I went there where no one goes
What sight did I behold!
I cannot put it into much words
Untouched! So pure and pristine
I couldnt locate where I stood
Just some place where no one was
I saw no stream, I saw no canopy of clouds
No gleam of the shining sun, no support of the trees

In Loving Memory Of … 

I wa reading the newspaper ( yes I am seen doing such unusual activity every once in a while) and I just read all the obituaries of people who had died. All the “we miss you”‘s and “we love you”s caught my attention and it made me think ( yes I do that at times too) that how many people lose their loved ones everyday. Granted they are missed but what is the purpose of giving it in the newspaper. To remind people? Well, no one would forget if the lost one meant something to them. 

In Loving memory of … I cannot remember any loving memory of dad. I remember a few with bysa papa. Time erodes all or maybe its our defense mechanism. 

I guess we all have some or the other way to deal with grief no matter how unusual it is.  How intangible human life is. 

Hate it. 😕

Anyways, I have decided to give meditation a try to find peace. A lot of people suggested me to try it and I always waved it away. Now I am in the mood to say “Its worth the try.” 

Muddy Puddles

Even if you try to avoid, as you step forward
The mud sprays along your legs behind
So annoying, something so trivial
Can cause such a grievance 
Believe me, I know after a rainy night
When you step out in the morning light
Muddy Puddles are there to welcome you alright
But know what they really do, what they really want 
Is to force you to do ballet, make each step a work in itself.

In My Own Way


For the first time in years, I celebrated papa’s birthday!

I dont know what to say about that.

The two monkeys in the picture are Dev (left) and Tushar (right). They celebrated with me and sang the mandatory Happy Birthday Song too! Thank you Guys!

I would’ve uploaded the video of the whole song but it doesnt show an option for that.

For once, I did something that I never expected I would do.

I am glad.

Love you, Dad.

Happy Birthday!

15th February: Specific Thoughts

Everyone quotes their fathers at some point in life to validate something.

“You know, my father used to say …”

“My father always believed in …”

“My father would never …”

I think I have done that too in the past when I remembered who he was specifically or when he was alive. Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. Yes, his birthday on 15th February.

I was thinking all day today about what I would write this year about him. A poem? Some random lines? Or just say that I miss him? I have been saying these things for years now, on this very blog and I can go on for years to come for this is not something I can give up on. Its the only thing left.

This year is different. I cannot exactly answer why it feels a little different than the previous ones. So no obvious posts about Dad this year.

Then I thought that I should share a good happy memory that I have of him but surprisingly, I couldn’t recall any good memories. Every memory involves him either in hospitals or at home, always sick, always in the bed.

And this thought brought me back to my feelings and I realised how in my bitterness, I let the good memories slide away and preserved the nightmares.


With you, life was a little better

A little less effort, a little less hard work

With you, there was a definition of joy

Many smiles, happiness in our hearts

Darkness has descended in that house of yours

The inmates turned out

Silence speaks for the deserted rooms

But your grey coat, which always suited you, still smells of you.





Our foundations were weak, I suppose, my love 

Deception, it was all just a mimicry of life I wanted 

Of what I wanted you to be 

I apologise for not knowing 

For mistaking you for someone dear to me 

You are free to go, I held on for too long 

You were not the right one, I just didnt know. 


Well, now that the fest is over and we have come back to our normal routine, I managed to find time to gather a few pictures from the fest and through these pictures introduce certain people in my life. I dont have a huge friend circle. I have a quality circle of people who I can genuinely call friends. And I am proud of them.

Anyways, the fest went quite well. I was tired as hell by the end of it but it was worth it. 😛 Spending time with my classmates which I hadnt done in quite some time was somewhat a really good experience.

Our fest was for two days and our theme for Day 1 was ethnic and we were so tired on Day 2 that no one really bothered to dress up that day. hahahha. I was the chief ones among them.

Yes, I am in all the pictures below but then its my blog and I have every right to be on every nook and corner of it.  😀 #narcissistic much ?



I have been building a life with new people around me and its quite a good experience. New people bring in new ideas to talk about and new opportunities as well.

Today I had a good day. I may finally tilt towards some optimism that life can be better after all.