Farewell 2019


2019 has been a very cruel year for me. Personal growth was one of the targets achieved. However, it has left me more confused and tattered emotionally.

And I am glad to see it pass.

Dear 2019,

You gave me patience but took away what I considered precious. You made me stronger, prepared me for the worse and served me nightmares. I saw the nightmares, I screamed into my pillow and still stand in front of the edge, welcoming another year of fuckups.

Life has been kind that I managed to survive the misery showered on me this year. It hasn’t been easy.

I left all those who cared for me to run away from all that haunted me. It wasn’t a good decision and I miss home a lot.

Delhi was a comfort zone. And I ripped apart the zone and ran away. It was too toxic to stay.

I could’ve braved the murky air but a murky, dense heart is something which I couldn’t bear.

I’m glad to bid you farewell and I hope to bury the memories you gave me, in this year that is passing and will become what is called history.

A forgotten history.

Intentionally, I have made life difficult for me. And maybe no one will ever find me worth it to fight for me. And maybe I am a lost cause with no one by her side.

Maybe, I will end up writing on this blog with no one listening to what I have to say.

I don’t claim to have many happy thoughts but whatever I have is meaningful.

I’m meaningful.

I have also realised that I am not as nice a person as I claim to be. Past has been witness to it. And now I am brave enough to accept it.

Things haven’t been easy. And they never will. But I will be kind. I will be brave. And I will never hurt you if I ever mean anything to you.

I also think my words are losing weight. I don’t write as good as I used to. Maybe I am losing parts of me which fuel my poetry.

Nothing strikes me as something worth sharing. And it’s bumming me out.

Kashmir was a disaster. I hope things turn around for the better. I hope the people get communication back and they are able to live more freely.

I hope my country comes back on track and we don’t lose sight of democracy. I hope I cherish those who love me and keep those who hurt me at bay.

I hope 2020 is the year when I realise who I have to be.

Kind regards,

Shifa

Normal


Had you looked up from your phone screens when the time was right, you would’ve seen the bloodied faces of those torn apart by discrimination

Had you taken time from your privileged lives to stop and stare into those pained eyes, you would’ve understood the level of hatred there is for someone different

Had you been on my side of the fence, you would have been standing with me holding a placard that said what the States don’t want you to see.

Had you seen us in our monkey cages, extending up to the mountains with the museum masters surrounding the hills and the valley, lest anyone escape

Downtrodden, distraught and disappointed, we stand with the rest today, hoping that someone will come save us too in times of tyranny

In times of deceit, we clutch to our homes, and hope that the storm passes so something called the “normal” would dawn on us too

What we left behind


What I said would never die is dying

Said I would mourn your loss for years, it’s an empty statement

You walked, I walked.

I didn’t stop, I didn’t look back

I stayed on my path to whatever I could find to survive

And I didn’t disappoint, myself

It’s a step I took, a move forward in some direction, right or wrong

I imagine the love is there, dormant, unwanted nuisance

Like a dull fragrance of a worn shirt at the end of the day

Unchanged, and alive, it throbs in my mind

Grieving the loss of what we left behind

Feed


Happy posts tell tales of adventure, sad posts of heartbreak,

Everyone has one

Some exciting, some lazy, some abstract posts on Instagram

Charted out lives, timelines, accounted for moments with notable hastags #wanderlust #nevermind

Posts and pictures, and smiles and poses, selfies and portraits, my timeline is full

I scroll, I see, I smile, I like and so on and on it goes

Documented lives, on my personal Instagram feed, creepy.

If I could tell you, I would say I search for you through countless users

And hope to never find you

Life would intervene and be kind and never put you in my scrolling feed

Ending the year without you


The year is coming to an end. I’m feeling panicky because I am leaving behind a lot of people and a lot many memories behind with 2019.

This year, it seems like a goodbye rather than a new year. And I feel melancholic just thinking about it. I never got to say goodbye.

It’s fear that you feel creeping up your spine, one day you’re here and the next gone

Carry your world in a bag, pack up and move, is what you do

There’s really nothing holding you back, not a thousand words written in your memory, not a single tear shed

Not sparing a thought, a gamble is what you sought, a wish is what you bought

A new year is around the corner, the mood is the same, but a different story is on the table

You couldn’t care less for life will offer you more, as you seek and keep on

Leaving behind what good I get, I hope to retain the shards of a broken mirror

So, happy new year to you love. A happy life in store for you.

Smiles and glee is all yours, be kind to someone you love, if it isn’t me.

Ridiculous


For once, be ridiculous.

Be what you want to be. Throw a tantrum or scream aloud

Make your heart light, no matter your limitations.

For once, let it go to hell. Let bloody everyone go to fucking hell.

You be the Rose and let the Jacks of the world drown

Be the thorn, be the trap, be the warning whistle

Survive to tell the tale to whoever would listen

Smile and walk away from those who pledge to leave.

Rejoice in your own, be comfortable in your silence

Eat, binge, sing along the song of merry

For once, think about you. And think some more.

Be as ridiculous as you’ve never been before.

Beaches and knives


Have you ever seen a beach? Felt the water washing over your feet?

Heard the sound of the waves crashing against the shore, or silently embracing the wet, warm sand

A seashell, white in colour, with gold rims, lying there, unclaimed by anyone but the sea

Mighty, it pushes out a wave, and claims the seashell for its own as I just reached out to pick it

Hands were drawn, empty.

Have you ever seen a lover without a beloved? Ever felt the pain, the rush in your ears?

The numbness, from your toes to the roots of your hair, the electric rings that pass through the body

The empty hands, the hollow shells, and violent waters

At Sunset.

Have you ever been on the other side of suffering, watching as the will becomes weak, as you strive to hold on to sanity and nothing but the empty hands greet you again and again

Then you feel like chopping those off, having no use of them, having no power to fill those empty hands apart from the throbbing chest that you hold to keep yourself from chipping away

One piece at a time.

It’s a buffet, come take as much as your hands can carry, you lie, waiting for the butcher’s knife.

One clean swipe and it’s over. But Alas, there is no such mercy, you have been sentenced to stab yourself with your memories and empty hands that cannot grab the knife.

Bond


There is a sadness in me that I have never seen before

Something in my eyes that once was but is now lost

I feel crippled and they say I’m depressed

Depression comes in many way, smile is a form which it takes

Undying, plastered, empty and cold

There is a restlessness within me that I have never experienced before

I ran away and now I want to run away from where I ran away to

Time ticks and I tick with it but my feet are caught in a wire fence

Restlessness makes me lose my mind, as I try to hold on to the air between my teeth

And you, you don’t even look at the garbage that I have the misfortune to carry

All the heartache and all the pain, all those restless nights I spent in vain

Why, why would I suffer for a mistake that wasn’t mine?

Why would I take responsibility for a bond that I didn’t break?

Time does not heal


Time does not heal, it makes you forget

Blurred memories hurt less.

So they say that time heals wounds.

Wounds are as fresh as the day they were carved

But you passed out and you cannot remember why there is blood

Why your shirt is sticky and your hair is damp

Trying to remember it makes your heart race.

Thinking gives a headache

So they say, move on. Live your life

But life is just a confused state of mind which cannot recall why half of its body is hanging on to the last nerve which feels pain.

More of the same


I’ve had my share, I’d say I have seen it all, but life can be mean

Rejections are part of life, you’re not special, you’re just another of the same

You may feel differently than others, but you’re just more of the same

Do you have a heart? I bet you do. Is it locked away for someone who didn’t want it? I bet it is.

It’s a chain reaction, let loose by someone and followed suit.

Heartbreaks are constant, only constant thing life offered me.

Only more of the same. And I refuse to let it digress

I refuse to let it break me. I’m my own, even if it’s more of the same

It’s alright. I hope you find your muse. I will walk a thousand miles and find my own.

And I won’t be an option, a silly, roadside sign that says “Welcome”