2019 has been a very cruel year for me. Personal growth was one of the targets achieved. However, it has left me more confused and tattered emotionally.
And I am glad to see it pass.
You gave me patience but took away what I considered precious. You made me stronger, prepared me for the worse and served me nightmares. I saw the nightmares, I screamed into my pillow and still stand in front of the edge, welcoming another year of fuckups.
Life has been kind that I managed to survive the misery showered on me this year. It hasn’t been easy.
I left all those who cared for me to run away from all that haunted me. It wasn’t a good decision and I miss home a lot.
Delhi was a comfort zone. And I ripped apart the zone and ran away. It was too toxic to stay.
I could’ve braved the murky air but a murky, dense heart is something which I couldn’t bear.
I’m glad to bid you farewell and I hope to bury the memories you gave me, in this year that is passing and will become what is called history.
A forgotten history.
Intentionally, I have made life difficult for me. And maybe no one will ever find me worth it to fight for me. And maybe I am a lost cause with no one by her side.
Maybe, I will end up writing on this blog with no one listening to what I have to say.
I don’t claim to have many happy thoughts but whatever I have is meaningful.
I have also realised that I am not as nice a person as I claim to be. Past has been witness to it. And now I am brave enough to accept it.
Things haven’t been easy. And they never will. But I will be kind. I will be brave. And I will never hurt you if I ever mean anything to you.
I also think my words are losing weight. I don’t write as good as I used to. Maybe I am losing parts of me which fuel my poetry.
Nothing strikes me as something worth sharing. And it’s bumming me out.
Kashmir was a disaster. I hope things turn around for the better. I hope the people get communication back and they are able to live more freely.
I hope my country comes back on track and we don’t lose sight of democracy. I hope I cherish those who love me and keep those who hurt me at bay.
I hope 2020 is the year when I realise who I have to be.