Laying it easy


In an open field, behind a boulder which has caught up with time and is almost one with the earth that I sometimes call dirt when it comes in contact with my fingers

Under an open sky, which is blue but has clouds spattered across, like white on a blue canvas, drawing roads and patterns I am too coward to see

Behind a beautiful lie, I hide from the world. A perfect place to be, where your voice won’t ever reach me

Watching you from afar, I see as you leave me behind, moving forward to something better in your eyes

A forgotten love letter, I have to write, I have words, I have no courage to say what I feel as I watch the rusty boulder and birds fly over me

Distractions come easy, I shut my mind to you. You are a dead cell and the cells are multiplying. I feel like I am dying.

The rain has promised a new, fresh perspective, as it lulls me into a dim pitter patter of the water drops across the windshield

Lightening has struck the field where I was seeking refuge, I see from afar as time tries to over power me. I am stuck in a deluge

I may or I may not call for help. But I certainly won’t call you today. Tomorrow. Or ever.

I do not choose you as my muse, but it has been written in stone that for now, I have to have you in my thoughts as you try to slaughter them and I weave them into depressing, sad stories.

 

Simple


Today, let us be honest, not hide behind excuses, no explanations

It was a decision, well thought, to hang it all, to let the love go

Was it even love? A thought ever did cross your mind, as you started aligning your thoughts, letting the past slide through your fingers, something weighing down on you.

Maybe you got hurt too, I imagine. Maybe you cry in your sleep too. Maybe, just maybe, you think about calling back or replying to “Will you talk to me?”

My side of the story is simple.

I am in pain

I am in so much pain that I cannot speak

I am in so much pain that I feel my chest will explode and I will die and I do not die

I breathe, and it hurts in my throat because there is a lump there and it hurts 24*7 because I do not stop breathing

It seems I am exaggerating it. But I wish I was

I am in so much pain because of what happened and how it happened and why it happened

And it is gone, I am in pain because I do not want it to end

I am in pain because because I am not worth the effort

I am in pain. And no I am not alright

I want to suffocate myself so the pain which feels like a pulse behind an open wound would stop.

My dream


If you would ask me about my dream, I could tell you about its face

I remember its eyes, as if it was real, I remember the curve of its face, the worry on the brow

If you would ask me about my dream, I could tell you that it is real, more real than my reality

Its as if I live my dream, and my reality is a memory. My dream has a smile, which goes from left to right, it is so wide.

My dream has a chipped tooth, one which cannot be missed. And the wide smile shows the feature more clearly.

My dream knows no boundaries, it wreaks havoc, taking everything and everyone in its stride

My dream has a happy ring to it, it is infectious and you cannot help but smile back or laugh or sing or dance.

My dream can dance. My dream loves to sing. My dream has a memory so strong that will put yours to shame.

My dream has a dream, bigger than me, bigger than you. And its the dream of the dream that will take the lead.

My dream is not mine anymore. I am awake now and the dream is locked away.

Hard to get out


Cesspool of feelings that I want to avoid, and yet cannot escape from

Like the tea leaves accumulating at the bottom of a tea cup, I feel useless, messy and in your way

Its hard to get out of this storm unleashed by my heart in protest of the pain it felt when it cracked

Not like the mirror which cracked from side to side, but a more silent tear which no one heard, no one saw but I

And I carry that tormented heart wherever I go, I wear it not on my sleeve, I hide it behind a smile of glee

Its hard to get out of that smile which has stuck, spasms rock my body and yet its unyielding

Making me realise that its my treaty with the pain for its too hard to get out of this world you left for me to enjoy

From the dust accumulating in the corners of my room, to the strewn clothes I wore one by one all week, everything looks up at me expectation, waiting for me to snap

Hoping for me to show signs of life, hoping that someday I will get up, dust off and walk away.

But its too hard to get out of the idea of you, whatever is left of you in me, whatever I have chosen to keep.

Interrupted


Its been hours now, I am still holding the pen, facing the white A4 sheet, racking my brain to look for the exact words that will help explain to you what is happening to me.

Its only been hours and yet I feel its been ages since I came and sat at the table and uncapped my pen, which is now dripping ink, inpatient of my hesitation.

Staring right at me, on the table, are the three diaries I onc e used to write in. All the pages are almost filled in. And now I cannot open them. Strange.

Disappear


I wish to disappear from the lives of those who know me.

I hate that they know me. You don’t deserve to know me.

Dark and twisty inside, I cringe in my own pain

I wish I would disappear from the memories of those who know what goes through me.

I hope they would forget I once cried on their shoulder, told them my tales of woe or moments that made me smile

I wish those moments would fade and become nothing, something and someone who never was

A nameless, faceless nothingness is what I want to be in the lives of those who know me

Searching


I am searching for you, even though I know you are lost to me.

I am searching for you, even though I know that you walked away from me.

Its not easy for me. Its maybe not easy for you either. But there is a wall, and its there

Very much in my face, a reminder of something that is lost

I am searching for that something which I lost, you lost.

Eyes search until they droop, then they search in dreams for another pair of eyes

Which used to be loving once upon a time and now are empty

Eyes that had a spark, a window to your soul and now see listlessly, longingly at the horizon

For the sun to rise, for the misery to end, for some respite

Those eyes, that smile, chipped teeth and what not

Everything is a part of something bigger today, and I am searching for those parts of life

Which went missing in the tempest called life.

The search is on, its hopeless I know for you decide and you hold your word

And I decide and slip and fall and try to decide again for I am still waiting, waiting for you? Or waiting for myself to decide again? I do not know.

I am searching for you, even when I know its a lost cause.