I don’t know 

I don’t know how to hold people, they seem to slip away like sand from my fingers 

The tighter I hold, the more they let loose 

Out of desperation, I cry, I beat my chest, I hope they do not go 

And yet they do not stay, do not find it worth their while 

I lose them, I lose them all. 

I always end up alone, at the edge 

One Afternoon 

It’s funny that I remember this day 

It was something which triggered the thought I carry in my mind since this afternoon 

I can just type and you can read it and know if you wish what I feel. 

Propping up my feet on the adjacent chair, I stare at the ceiling 

My nose is blocked due to the cold triggered by the unruly Delhi weather. 

I can’t breathe properly so my breathing is laboured 

And I concentrate on one, and then the next and the next. 

Till someone asked me if I was okay 

I was okay. Sure. 

In normal terms, as anyone would say 

But I was drowning, if anyone could see, see for what I really was

A drowning creature in a poisoned water lake 

I feel the pain in the centre of my chest 

With every breath I take and hope the next one will not hurt. 

I say I am okay because I know I won’t be able to explain in acceptable words what’s wrong with me 

Why am I not happy? 

I have thoughts which scare people for they live in denial and I think I know what we are facing 

What everyone knows and yet doesn’t want to know. 

I know it, I think, and so I despair for us all. 

It’s been a long day, it’s been a long life. 

I close my eyes, I hope to tell my tale 

Someday to someone who understands how I feel. 

A little of this, A little of that

It usually starts with a story, a story of someone not well in life 

Not happy,  not satisfied 

It always starts with the hunger to go forward, to reach where you are meant to

Come on, move on, like time

Strike twelve already! 

It’s my story, I like half past three 

When I reach the end gate, a voice in me begs to turn around 

Turn around and back up those steps and into the bed 

For nothing can touch you while you act dead. 

It’s weed, it’s infectious, it crawls up on me, unannounced. 

I wince when it hits, I cry when it crushes me to the depths of despair 

I wind the time to half past three 

And it’s silent again,  it’s silent in my soul. 

It’s never locked for long as the clock strikes ten 

I again descend the stairs to hell.

Catch my breath,  feel the fire, know that I know 

What happens when the curtains fall

When the light is turned back on. 

I Never Learn

Take a lesson, learn it and pass the test 

They teach you that, don’t they? 

And yet, here I am, repeating the same class over and over again. 

I never learn and unlike the years, I never pass! 

It’s a day of loss, day of despair 

We lost you and you lost yourself 

Or maybe you found it, who knows? 

It’s ruined eternally,  my mental peace of knowing you don’t exist 

Not anymore, not outside my memories. 

The memories which hurt and yet are cherished. 

What do I say the reason for my tears? 

Half the blog filled with yearly eulogies? 

What do I say, the reason for my sadness? 

How do I explain, the long gone moment of death. 

When I was not there, when you were slipping away…  

What do I say of the days of gold 

When the sun shone right into my heart 

For we knew you were there to hold us? 

I mask my sadness in something else 

Indifference, towards myself 

Denial towards the world, towards the cycle of years 

Bringing back the agony, refreshing the pain 

Periodic dosage, what use do I have of drugs when this does the trick? 

Sends me into oblivion, throws me into the ‘high’ zone of something which cannot be called bliss.

I miss you, I do. Every day I cry for how it ended. 

No joy is joy without your laugh and it turns to ash in my mouth, wish I could tell you how.