You And I


Night fell and I made my way
To heaven, to your home a few blocks away
I threw pepples at your closed window pane
Something tells me you are awake
And just deciding whether to look
I wait patiently and you stick your head out
I gesture with hands to let me in
You decline with a firm whispered no, at first
I try again, widening my smile doublefold
You melt with it, and open the latch
I climb up the ladder and take hold of the catch
Jump inside with a triumphant squeal
You jump and run to lock the door
Hearts beating fast
We stare and we laugh
Till the early hours of dawn
When I take my que to leave
You frown and stare at the floor beneath
I smile and blow you a kiss and jump
Into the lawn
I promise you another night
Like the one we just had
I run and vanish in the wind
You sigh and sit on the sill and sing

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Heart That Can Love


Find me a heart that can love
That can love beyond boundaries
Bound to be limitless
Something which goes deep, down to the bottomless pit
Like the light to light up the way
Like the shine to brighten up the day
Find me a soul that is so pure
That they fall to their feet
Bow their heads in such purity
A soul with love so hard, so intense to give
That I bathe in its glory
That I let it sink into me
Find that heart with such a soul
Together they will make me whole
Love so true, soul so pure
I wish to die wrapped around it
Warming my heart, removing the doubts
A heart that can love, a soul I can cherish
To be mine forever
As I wish this wish to the silver star
Which seems so near yet so far

I Pray


Never to lose the way I did, I pray
Never to bow the way I was forced to, I pray
Never to witness the cruelty, I pray
Never to give up or desert, I pray
Never to cry or complain but endure with a smile, I pray
Never to fall, to give vent to pain, I pray
Never to lose hope, never to lose faith, I pray

To hold my ground
To face the storm
To be firm in my endeavours
To believe in hopeless times
I pray to upload my honour
To preserve the sanctity of my dreams
To never let me down
To find the courage to fight against all
I pray to find even against the odds

Stay


Stay for you have my heart
Stay for we promised to never be apart
Stay for you rule my soul
Stay! Without you I cannot be whole
Stay for you are my joy
Stay for I am your tears
Stay for I will heal your wounds
Stay for you will fill my emptiness
Stay for our fate is entwined
Stay for we are meant to be
Stay for life is short to waste it on faults
Stay to fight with me, play with me
Stay to laugh with me, cry with me
Stay for you are a part of me
Stay as you and I are meant to be.

I Cant Turn Back


One step ahead of me, you stand
Carrying what I wish, what I want
I cant take that step
Its too hard
To raise my foot, to stamp it
To put it forward, move towards you
You take more steps, farther away now
I stand, looking helpless
For I can never hope to catch up
I stand still, the weight on my heart
I wave at you to stop, to wait for me
Yet you move on, not looking at me
I burn inside, I want you here
I plead, I beg but you go on.

Turning around, I walk away
Towards the other end, away from you
Nothing will pull me around
I wont call me back
I am on a course to save my fragile heart
I cant turn back now
I retrace my steps
I take my words back
I pushed all memories aside
As I move on forward
You wont see me as I wont see you again
Never will I do this, never will I forget
Never will I let you rule me, never will I submit

Wish I Could Say


I wish I could use the words 

The words which are held inside

I wish I could say what I feel

What I have, what I believe

All that I wanted to say

Stays inside

The multitude of emotions

The solidarity of my silence 

A piercing, lasting one

My eyes trying to convey

All that I ever wanted to say 

I wish I could overcome my stammer

Just get it out in to the open 

Let my feelings flow, let nothing come in my way 

If I loved, I wish I could say it 

If I cared, I wish I could show it

Deny myself what I am

Just be what I wanted to be for one night

I wish I could say it all

That is hidden inside me

Beneath the layers of lies

Defying everything that I ever stood for.

Daddy’s Promises Left Unsaid


Today is 23rd July, 2013. It is Er. Shakeel Ahmad Salman’s 18th death anniversary today. He died in the year 1995, the year I was born. He was 35 when he was killed. I wont reveal the circumstances of his death since we live in a disputed area and I dont want to end up in jail for that. So on his death anniversary, I would like to remember him and tell you what he really was. How much his death affected our family. How much we all miss him and even after 18 years, we still feel his absence.

He was my maternal Uncle. Even though I never got the chance to meet him, I have the deepest regard, love and respect for him. That is because my mother who was quite attached to him used to tell me about him. She remembers almost everything that she shared with him. He was called as ‘shakujaan’ at home. He was an electrical engineer from REC, srinagar (now known as NIT-srinagar). He was quite accomplished in his job and was on his way to a higher success had fate not intervened.

The best part about all this was that my dad, Dr. Naseer Ahmad Laway was Shakujan’s best friend since college. I am not sure if they were together in school or not but they became best of chums in college. Then dad was married to mum and their friendship flourished. 

The photo below is of Shakujan (left) and my dad (right) and was taken on 22nd July, 1995. This is the last how Shakujan looked before he died. 

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Shakujan was an obedient son, a supportive brother, an amazing father. But the tragedy struck on this day, 18 years ago when he was killed and all his endeavors were left unfulfilled. When he died, he left behind a young wife and four kids. The youngest were twins and they had just turned two. I was 3 months old. It was the first and the hardest blow to my family. We never talk about it but we all know how much better it wouldve been if he’d been alive to see his kids grow up to become such fine, young people. It is sad he never got to buy them their 18th birthday present. He couldnt be there for their first bicycle ride. He couldnt be there when his son first learned to drive. He couldnt be there when they graduated from college. He couldnt see his twins starting their school. He missed it all and we were forced to do it all without him.  

Shakujan,

We all miss you and its still not enough

The longing for you, the pain of your absence

It was cruel and it was a tragedy 

Something which is hard to live with 

Time only shows us how much we missed 

How much we lost, how much we couldve gained

By your love, with your support 

We all miss you, even after all this time

We really do!

 

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