I Cant Turn Back


One step ahead of me, you stand
Carrying what I wish, what I want
I cant take that step
Its too hard
To raise my foot, to stamp it
To put it forward, move towards you
You take more steps, farther away now
I stand, looking helpless
For I can never hope to catch up
I stand still, the weight on my heart
I wave at you to stop, to wait for me
Yet you move on, not looking at me
I burn inside, I want you here
I plead, I beg but you go on.

Turning around, I walk away
Towards the other end, away from you
Nothing will pull me around
I wont call me back
I am on a course to save my fragile heart
I cant turn back now
I retrace my steps
I take my words back
I pushed all memories aside
As I move on forward
You wont see me as I wont see you again
Never will I do this, never will I forget
Never will I let you rule me, never will I submit

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Somehow Seen


Somehow she managed to smile, to look peaceful on the outside when there was a war inside.

Somehow she made everyone’s day while hers had been marked dead, made them smile while it had been ages since she had smiled herself.

Somehow she pulled herself together when she was broken to pieces just to save others from falling apart, to make them strong, to help them hold on.

Somehow she lived each day with people who would never miss her other than the time when they needed her.

Somehow she still  lived with the truth that people only took advantage of her patience and perseverance. She still managed not to appear hurt and smile throughout.

Somehow the person who smiled and smiled, didnt feel the tears leaking from her eyes. No one saw those tears.

No one.

But me.

When I saw her tears, I fell to my knees.

Her tears were pure, they were real

She was hurt and in pain

No one saw her, no one knew her

They all claimed to be her friend but she was alone and no one realised that

Pity on her. Shame on them

When I saw her tears, my heart broke.

My pain was so sharp but it was a fraction of her pain which touched me

I died a little inside knowing her struggles, her hurdles

The sorrows she beared, the pains she took

The walk she walked, the talks she talked!

I couldnt see her this way and I turned away

Leaving her with the black shadows

Somehow she managed to live in them

Somehow she managed to remain unseen

To stay hidden

Daddy’s Promises Left Unsaid


Today is 23rd July, 2013. It is Er. Shakeel Ahmad Salman’s 18th death anniversary today. He died in the year 1995, the year I was born. He was 35 when he was killed. I wont reveal the circumstances of his death since we live in a disputed area and I dont want to end up in jail for that. So on his death anniversary, I would like to remember him and tell you what he really was. How much his death affected our family. How much we all miss him and even after 18 years, we still feel his absence.

He was my maternal Uncle. Even though I never got the chance to meet him, I have the deepest regard, love and respect for him. That is because my mother who was quite attached to him used to tell me about him. She remembers almost everything that she shared with him. He was called as ‘shakujaan’ at home. He was an electrical engineer from REC, srinagar (now known as NIT-srinagar). He was quite accomplished in his job and was on his way to a higher success had fate not intervened.

The best part about all this was that my dad, Dr. Naseer Ahmad Laway was Shakujan’s best friend since college. I am not sure if they were together in school or not but they became best of chums in college. Then dad was married to mum and their friendship flourished. 

The photo below is of Shakujan (left) and my dad (right) and was taken on 22nd July, 1995. This is the last how Shakujan looked before he died. 

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Shakujan was an obedient son, a supportive brother, an amazing father. But the tragedy struck on this day, 18 years ago when he was killed and all his endeavors were left unfulfilled. When he died, he left behind a young wife and four kids. The youngest were twins and they had just turned two. I was 3 months old. It was the first and the hardest blow to my family. We never talk about it but we all know how much better it wouldve been if he’d been alive to see his kids grow up to become such fine, young people. It is sad he never got to buy them their 18th birthday present. He couldnt be there for their first bicycle ride. He couldnt be there when his son first learned to drive. He couldnt be there when they graduated from college. He couldnt see his twins starting their school. He missed it all and we were forced to do it all without him.  

Shakujan,

We all miss you and its still not enough

The longing for you, the pain of your absence

It was cruel and it was a tragedy 

Something which is hard to live with 

Time only shows us how much we missed 

How much we lost, how much we couldve gained

By your love, with your support 

We all miss you, even after all this time

We really do!

 

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Hard To Say The Final Goodbye


Seeing you getting old, seeing the sparkle diminish from your eyes
The dark truth lying at the horizon, looming forth with the speed of light
Years passing in a rush, trying to hold on to seconds
Dreading the moment when you give up
Throw this life in our faces and go
Leave me alone and alone here to mourn
Not caring if I still needed you, nor believing if I told you
You had a mind of your own, a spirit of the moon taken on loan
Seeing you getting old day by day
Getting weak, getting feeble, getting in the way
We battle with eyes, to stay or not to stay
Mine reflecting plea, yours determined
You wont bend, neither will I
Not prepared to say the final goodbye
I refuse to accept that you are old
For me you will be the same forever,
For I am too weak to let you go
As life leaves your body, with a speed so deadly yet slow.

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Small Packets


father_son

 

Who do you think is a father, a dad, a papa ?
No one really thinks about it. He is a person who is always there, sometimes in the background and sometimes standing next to you. He is a part of who you are. You never notice his presence as he intermingles his aura with your own. He has tremendous love for you. His first small packet.
You call out to him and he replies without wasting a single second. He is your backbone, your support through life. God made mother to love you but He made a father to guide you, to teach you, to be your role model. His second small packet.
Hardly ever would you acknowledge his presence. But when you dont see him for a whole day, you get restless. You call him several times until he picks up. You breathe a sigh of relief and then your self-centred person comes back and you ask for something in the same instant. He doesnt tell you off like your mother. Instead he smiles and promises to get the thing for you. Always! His third small packet.
He makes a home for you which he decorates for you. Painting your room with your favorite colour, buying the things you want. He gets all that you ask of him and many times even more than that. His fourth small packet.
He helps you get the best college. He supports your education and degrees. He helps you to stand on your own feet. He does everything in his power to help you earn your livelihood.
His fifth small packet.
Then he spends lavishly at your wedding making it the best day of your life. Buying you jewellery of your choice, all the expensive dresses for all the functions and events. He buys you wedding gifts. He hands you over with such pomp and pleasure.
His sixth small packet.
He cares for your children when they are born, He loves them even more than you ever could. He takes them in his care till you do your day’s jobs making motherhood seem quite easy.
His seventh small packet.
He does it all for you from the day you were born till the day he dies. That is the love of a father. He truly is your backbone through thick and thin.
You dont value what you have. You only realize the importance of something when you lose it. You disregard his small packets. You dont really see all that he did.
Lucky are those who receive all the seven packets in life from their fathers.
When it comes to me, I only got four of them.

 

dad

 

Departed Soul


Lying, face down, towards the rugged, coarse ground
Enveloped in my miseries as I lay
Erasing all signs of sanity, all pale like the coarse sand below
I recall, I remember, I bring it all forth
My pain, my loss, my salvation
The cause for my exile, the root of my shreds
The day when the foundation shook
When my heart took leave and ran off
To the desert, into the unknown.
Empty me with an empty chest
I grieved for the snatched soul, for my shattered hope which could never be whole
That day my exile began
And I continue with my punishment
I continue to tread on thorns
I burn the soles of my feet
I walk the road of fire
Carrying my miserable self forward
My misery, my companion
We all mourn the deaths, the departed souls.

Shifa Naseer

A Bed Of Roses


My life, a bed of roses, you say?
So easy as breathing, so effortless
If hurting at every point of life isv what you call a bed of roses
Then I agree with you
If pain be my companion for life
Then add to the roses you see
If loss is what you think is bliss
Then add that too into your list!
If betrayal is what you call the beauty
Then be it, say that too!
Envy me for all those roses with thorns
Wish for all that you say I have
But only He knows what I am
What I have and By God
It totally isnt the red and the roses
Its way far from it
See my pain, feel my loss
Feel the betrayal, know the cause.

Shifa Naseer