Interrupted


Its been hours now, I am still holding the pen, facing the white A4 sheet, racking my brain to look for the exact words that will help explain to you what is happening to me.

Its only been hours and yet I feel its been ages since I came and sat at the table and uncapped my pen, which is now dripping ink, inpatient of my hesitation.

Staring right at me, on the table, are the three diaries I onc e used to write in. All the pages are almost filled in. And now I cannot open them. Strange.

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Disappear


I wish to disappear from the lives of those who know me.

I hate that they know me. You don’t deserve to know me.

Dark and twisty inside, I cringe in my own pain

I wish I would disappear from the memories of those who know what goes through me.

I hope they would forget I once cried on their shoulder, told them my tales of woe or moments that made me smile

I wish those moments would fade and become nothing, something and someone who never was

A nameless, faceless nothingness is what I want to be in the lives of those who know me

Searching


I am searching for you, even though I know you are lost to me.

I am searching for you, even though I know that you walked away from me.

Its not easy for me. Its maybe not easy for you either. But there is a wall, and its there

Very much in my face, a reminder of something that is lost

I am searching for that something which I lost, you lost.

Eyes search until they droop, then they search in dreams for another pair of eyes

Which used to be loving once upon a time and now are empty

Eyes that had a spark, a window to your soul and now see listlessly, longingly at the horizon

For the sun to rise, for the misery to end, for some respite

Those eyes, that smile, chipped teeth and what not

Everything is a part of something bigger today, and I am searching for those parts of life

Which went missing in the tempest called life.

The search is on, its hopeless I know for you decide and you hold your word

And I decide and slip and fall and try to decide again for I am still waiting, waiting for you? Or waiting for myself to decide again? I do not know.

I am searching for you, even when I know its a lost cause.

Distance


Distance is the death of love. These words come to me from a different train of thought. Love is undying, it changes colour, it changes shape but under the decorations, its still the same.

Distance is the death of love. But what can we do when the lifeline is far, when the other side of the coin starts fading, when the other lets go of the rope cutting into our hands

Distance is the death of love. Some day, far from the today, i will think about the love which was lost, a love which was incomplete and yet it was true. A love which died at the hands of time.

Distance is the death of loyalty. It is the death of memories, it is the death of habits, it is the death of closeness. It is something that eats away at a lover’s heart, as he or she writhes in different corners of the world, longing to see a face that they lost.

Distance is the death of hope. A hope to find each other in the crowd, on a sunny, summer afternoon maybe. Run into each other by chance, say hello with a shy glance. Or maybe share some memories they made without you. But hope is dead, and so are you.

Rock bottom


Its weird how one day the world stops making sense, things do not add up and logic takes away the train of thoughts

Its funny how life treats you to wonderful moments and snatches the source away as soon as you try to understand the feeling they bestow on your fragile heart

Its cruel how days turn to months and the phone call you were waiting for since that dreadful morning does not come and the world has forgotten

Its easy to forget for the world has issues and problems to deal with, while I am a tiny person sulking in a small room tucked away in the corner

No one will look twice to where the soul rots, waiting for another morning or night or any time of the day, waiting for something that will never come

Samuel Becket had his shit together long ago when he let the weirdoes wait out for Godot

Godot never came, as far as the pages of that story is concerned and I fear, I will be stuck in my loop, with no answers

This is my rock bottom, this lone journey that I have to embark on, this is as low as I have ever been

And I hope to God that never again will I give the world a chance to make me sink in the deepest of the oceans in the dark.

Plastered smile


Now, its time to hide from the world and hide yourself from those who feed off you

Hide from all those who take every good thing you have and leave you with bitterness

Hide your bitter old self from the world, hide what you have been reduced to

Hide all those feelings that you feel which brought you down to your knees

Hide that shame you feel while feeling sorry for yourself

Hide your sorry self, hide everything anyone wants to see

Hide your true smile for they will steal that too

Put on a plastered smile, uneven face, and unwanted eyes

That should be your social face so no one can touch you, judge you or hold anything against you

A plastered smile is what you get for being exposed, for trying to reach out to sour grapes and falling on your face

For daring to hope that happiness can be an everlasting bliss

For having the guts to trust anyone completely, so much that you break, you burn and no one cares

I do not take pride in my misery, my friend, its my only reminder of you

This pain is what I have left with a few number of letters and gifts that burn my eyes

Tears have replaced your warm embrace, and empty arms look for you

I do not know if you suffer as much as I do, but you do not hurt the way I do.

Walking away, is what must be done, a smiling face is all you’ll see

For a refuse to bow down to someone who would never do that for me.