Numb


And there are certain days when I feel upset. These days are marked into my calendar, and I know that during these days I will feel a surge of emotions. But today, one of the most dramatic days of my life, I feel nothing. I feel empty and I’m afraid I think I may have forgotten what it was like when they were alive.

It’s a sad day today and I have no lines to offer in condolence towards my loss. I would say that it’s okay, that I’m only human and I forget. But I did not forget. I remember.

But I no longer feel the creeping grief, I no longer feel anything. And it’s making me feel guilty that I do not feel sorrow. I feel numb. It’s like my mind, which often sees them through my dreams, has stopped arguing with me. And has gone into denial. So much loss, so much pain. How much can a heart take?

People don’t make it easy, adding their scars too, selfishness etched into the very essence of relationships. It’s okay. We’re only human. I explain.

How do I start explaining what I no longer feel? The loss of a loved one, a best friend. And how many times will you look for a shoulder to cry on, when people have become something more like a subway train, coming every few minutes and whooshing away, trembling the ground beneath my feet.

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