My dear blog,
Its Eid tomorrow. I am so far from home and family. It makes me sad to think that I wont be with them on Eid. I never celebrated Eid alone. How can I celebrate Eid alone? The very concept of Eid is to come together and share happiness after fasting for a month!
Its kind of weird. Its silly too that I am thinking so much on this.
I was always a loner but its Eid! And I am alone!
I guess there is no Eid for me this year. 😐
Yours forever alone,
To get up each morning, to go through the mundane days
To believe that the day is bright, to feel the excitement as it goes by
To greet, with a warmth in your voice
To meet and to grasp the talks you have
To smile and laugh and go on still
No matter the wounds inflicted within
To go on, to go on beyond limits
To endure each day, to welcome each tormenting night
Where do you find the will?
To make up your mind, to find a direction.
To decide your path, to follow it true
To drown and rise from your disturbing thoughts
To reach all levels of turmoil,
Yet never show a sign of weakness
To grope in the dark and yet lead the way of others lost
To sink yourself for others to float
To give yourself up for others to find
To be so sacrificing, so elite in this age
Where do you find the will?
You think no one is watching
When a tiny drop of tear escapes your eyes
You feel you are invisible, others oblivious to your pain
You stare, they do not even look
Disappointed, you lower your gaze
But do you ever see me
Watching you, watching as the traitor tears fall
From your eyes, making your cheeks wet
I feel the urge to wipe those tears for you
For I feel your anguish, I feel you!
Every day you sigh, every time you feel despair
I sigh too, I sigh in my helplessness
For your pain is no greater than my love
You do not know, you do not see
But I tell you this, I know how you feel
I feel your pulse, I feel the sadness
I run in your veins and I taste longing
Longing to be loved, to be cherished
I love you, I cherish you!
But you do not look, you do not feel
But I do, I look and I feel
I look out for you, I feel for you!
When they let you down and steal your peace
They instil you with sadness, they leave you hopeless
They feed on your soul, they exploit you
You feel alone, you don’t find your way
Lost as you are without an anchor
I hold you but you don’t see
I wish you could see how close I am to you
I feel your breath, I feel the warrior in you
I am who you want to be, I am you!
If only you could see, If only you knew
But I feel your withering spirit, I feel you!
Gone are the days when I knew my ways
Now I have new roads laid out, new paths to explore
No longer do I know everyone by name
Just strange, new faces, just as confused as my own
New places, new people, I am starting a new life
Filled with new challenges, new authorities, new rules to follow
My heart has questions and I have no answers.
Who is going to guide me when I feel as lost as the shedding autumn leaves?
Pushed from here and there by the naughty east wind.
My limbs are worn out, my will is weak.
I have no strength to hold on, and no stable ground beneath.
After running around the college corridors, I found my class. Its an alright class and I am sitting on the first bench. I dont know anyone and nobody knows me. So instead of sitting idle, I took out my phone to type away on my dear blog.
Let me explain what went on so far.
I woke up on time. I got ready on time. I didnt find my class on time. I felt like an idiot ‘not on time’. I am really nervous. I have a little time to post some things.
The college is nice but I am yet to see what my classmates are like.
I havent met my roommate yet but thats okay. I heard that shes a good person.
Speaking of my room, I spent the first night of my life away from home. It was so awkward for me. And I had a really restless night.
So far its alright but now I am not that sure.
More updates later as the day rolls by.
Happy new days!
I do not pity, I do not bow my head in charity.
Call me heartless, call me mean
To mourn for others, I am not so keen
To grieve for those I know not
Even if I do, I will not fake if I don’t feel sorry
I will, if I can, help to ease out the pain
But I will never stand and watch the funeral.
Pyres burning, graves freshly dug
I am not one who pretends, I am not a thug
I will not stand there and pray for the lost souls
I will not be solemn, I will not be kind
I wont feel guilty if my eyes dont water at somebody else’s misfortune
If I cannot help, I choose to ignore.
I block out the sentiment, I guard my demons.
I do not shed tears that don’t find my heart as their origin
I do not have tears to waste on pretension
I do not give out pity in small packets of sugar coated words
I will be cruel and I will be vicious
But I refuse to be sickly sweet,
Too sweet to give you a toothache
I don’t have fake emotions
Call me heartless, my friend
I take pride in that for I do not give pity
I do not show sympathy.
I cannot help, I block
I block, I turn into myself
I have a heart, too precious for you to see
Thats why I do not show pity, I don’t bow my head in charity.
There will come a moment in your chaotic life when you will lose a puzzle piece of your favourite puzzle game. You will look everywhere for it, try to make a new one or worse pretend that the gaping hole in your puzzle picture isn’t there.
Fair enough, you will start getting used to that hole. That moronic puzzle piece starts fading from your memory. You imagine it there. And it keeps you happy.
Then you find other pieces. They don’t exactly fit but fill the space nonetheless. You succeed into believing that you don’t care. You pretend that the pieces not only fill but they fit too. Pretension is cool. Its safe.
Until you find that original puzzle piece lying carelessly somewhere. And now you don’t know where to fill that puzzle piece. There’s no space for that puzzle piece to go. Its the perfect fit but theres no place for it to fill.
You stare at the puzzle piece and try to think. You remember how much you looked for it, how much you wanted your puzzle to be complete. But now there are different pieces holding your puzzle. But you find the original puzzle piece and now you are confused.
Do you want to lose that puzzle piece all over again?
Do you think you can live with the fact that your puzzle picture can never be perfect?
Are you willing to accept the old puzzle piece and fit it where it belongs?
Its not easy. Its not only a game. Its more than that.
Way more than that.