In An Ignorant Blissful World

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They showed me the real face of life way too soon

Forced me to watch, bear witness to the onslaught

I saw them pine away, I saw them die

I was there the whole time, I did not blink my eyes

I watched as my beloveds were gone, just like the sand in the wind

Slipping away with each breath, every movement seemed fatal

I grieved, I prayed and I hoped that they may be spared

I wanted to be spared too, spared from the pain and sorrow

To see life becoming more meaningless day by day

Getting emptier everyday, as I watch my home

Once filled with my beloveds, now standing alone

Who would understand me as I cry out in pain?

The world doesnt understand my struggle

They havent seen me writhe in helplessness

How can I explain and how can I ever put my misery into words!?

The world seems ignorant as I burn inside, as I smile everyday and dont break down

They make it difficult and wait, wait for me to give way

I also wait, wait to see my life destroy everything that I ever lived for.

The End Of An Era.

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Bysa Papa passed away on 7th November, 2014. He had cancer which was diagnosed two months ago. We tried our level best by trying to keep him alive but we couldn’t apparently. I am disappointed. We all prayed. We all had hope that he will live at least for another year with the help of chemo therapies. But this is something we never comprehended in our lives that we would lose him so soon.
After my dad’s death in 2010, Bysa papa held me and took care of me. He never let me feel that I didn’t have a father. I did miss dad but Bysa Papa made it easy for me. He made life easy for me.
He was there for me like my father and like my best friend. He was always there for everyone in my family. He was our backbone. He was our support and he loved us. He loved us a lot. I have no words to describe what he really was. He was my king. He never let me feel that I was alone. He was the best person in my life. And I lost him. Like I lost my dad and my khala. I lost him too. I lost everything. I lost my life. I lost him.

Life. *angry*

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Now I honestly am pissed at life for so many things that I have stopped counting.
It is brutal and mean. It is cruel. I cannot imagine how many more times will I fall on my face just because my life takes a fancy to that action. Maybe I look hilarious when I fall. Maybe life is just a big, bad bully and it loves to bully me. Maybe I am a bad person and I deserve to be punished by seeing the people I love suffer like this. And maybe, maybe I am so ungrateful that no matter what I do, I never find peace. All this is in my head today and this feeling of vulnerability is not good. It is making me edgy. I feel helpless. I cant seem to help those I love. And it is not helping my mental stability. I just spent one day with my family and I realise how crappy my life is right now. Bysa Papa is not well at all. I cant see him this weak, this helpless and this sick. I couldn’t help but turn away Every time his face contorted in pain. My pain is less than his and yet I find it hard to live. Its just like papa situation all over again. Its like life is repeating itself after four years. Maybe my life isnt creative that it will give me new situations to deal with. Maybe it is out of ideas and that is why all my family and I go through this shit every few years. And by few I mean two or three years.
What is wrong with me? Or my life? Why is nothing normal in my life?
I would like to be normal for once and actually live like we are supposed to.

Filters

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I see it all

Life as it unwinds, one curve and another straight road

I see the dark behind the brilliant sun and I see the lining of the silver moon

I see the shadows behind, the bright side of which I reflect in my eyes

You see me smile, you see me green

You dont see the lines, you dont feel me pining away

I wait for you to remove your filters, the sieve that you use to view the world

My world that you see doesnt seem as dark

But I see and I feel for I have no filters

I feel your pain, I witness your struggle

I do understand but why dont you understand me?

You dont see me bleeding out, all you see is the mess I made

That your filters and mine all laid out in black and white

So unfair it is that I see what you dont, that I feel what you never will.

Weighing Us Down

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Phew. My first holiday at home.
And its not good at all.
So many issues. So many problems.
Home isn’t what I left it as two months ago. Its something entirely different.
I dont recognise it.
I feel sad that my uncle is not well.
He is very important to me.
And my thoughts are so jumbled that I cannot form them properly into sentences.
Its melancholic. The atmosphere is sad.
And I am sad.

No need to whine about the problems.
Lets just hope the world makes sense again.
Lets hope that what we lost is recovered. Most of it, if not all.
Lets hope that wherever we go, we stay together.
Lets hope that we all stay healthy and no ailments plague us.
Lets hope that life doesn’t break my back this time.
Lets hope that my fate is kind to me At least this once.
Lets hope that all this doesn’t weigh me down and cripple me.
Lets hope we survive the blows.
Lets hope that our hope never gives way.
Lets hope.